The Daily Breakdown - 12.1.08

Meanwhile, as I was wondering if anyone would manage to get trampled during "Cyber Monday," the big online shopping day following Black Friday...

MSNBC mentioned Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin campaigning for Senator and well-known douchebag Saxby Chambliss today in Georgia, where Chambliss faces Democrat Jim Martin in a runoff election tomorrow. The headline at the bottom of the screen proclaimed "Palin on the stump again." My first thought? Palin on the stump again? That's a heck of a thing to say about Todd, and I wonder when the next trophy child will be unloosed upon us...

With a story breaking over the weekend that Britain is actually the most promiscuous countries in the world, I was glad to get a little cause and effect story to balance everything out this morning, as another study showed that many major supermarket chains are charging rock bottom prices, no pun intended, for alcohol than for bottled water and in a few instances, even less than a bottle of Coke. Alcohol is now almost 70% cheaper now, based on income, than it was in 1980, with some items going for 40% less than the suggested retail price. Wow. I think we finally have an answer as to why hook-ups occur in supermarkets as opposed to bars. Not to mention, the overall bravery of the British people, as readily available cheap booze combined with promiscuity simply increases the odds of winding up in the sack with Amy Winehouse. I'd rather play Russian roulette than take the chance on waking up next to Amy Winehouse, because honestly people, who has the time to gnaw their arm off at the shoulder at that hour of the morning?...

Now that we are neck deep in the holiday season, let the dumbass "war on Christmas" stories and PC holiday "traditions" flood our news markets. In Olympia, Washington, the Christmas tree (or Holiday tree, or Xmas shrub, or whatever the hell you wanna call it) will share space with not only a Christian nativity scene, but a billboard from an atheist group. Normally, there is also a menorah included to recognize Hanukkah, but so far, no requests have been made to include one this year.

The billboard, sponsored by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, will read
"Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds." Fair enough, I suppose, and maybe even true enough, if you take enough time to study the issue and come to your own conclusion, but what struck me as stupid was the statement by Annie Laurie Gaylor, the foundation's co-president, that the sign is a reminder of the "real reason for the season, the winter solstice."

Uh, yeah...about that...not that I am a giant fan of the holiday season by any stretch of the imagination, that statement is just ludicrous. Yes, I am well aware that the winter solstice marks the beginning of winter, but let me ponder, when have I ever seen a "Winter Solstice Sale," or a winter solstice tree, or the winter solstice tradition of cramming "A Christmas Story" or "It's a Wonderful Life" down our throats, or heard the godawful winter solstice music? Oh, yeah...never have. I can fully get behind separating religion from those who may not want a public spectacle made of it every fucking year, but a Christmas tree hardly fucking qualifies. There is Christmas, which some choose to celebrate as a religious holiday, and yet others still who use it to its materialistic breaking point. Why not crusade for something that means something real, like poverty, or injustice, or something rather than self-importance for six weeks out of the year?

You may think I'm being harsh, or reactionary, or whatever the buzzword is this year, but ask yourself...where are all the protesters like Annie Laurie Gaylor come summer solstice?...yep, that what I thought...

The Daily Breakdown - 11.21.08

KISS co-founder and bassist Gene Simmons is a little pissed that once again, the band is not on the short list for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and honest to God, who can blame him? The band's been around since 1974, sold well over 100 million albums, and have influenced an untold number of bands. For crap's sake, even country artists have done covers of KISS hits from years' past. Yet, even Blondie is in the Hall of Fame and "The Hottest Band in the Land" isn't. I know there's a bit of stuff already heaped on President-elect Barack Obama's plate, but at the rate this is going, can we ask for an executive order, since apparently the hall of fame's foundation and it chair, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner will consider any musical act on earth before they will consider KISS, and what a travesty. The inductees will be announced in January, with the induction ceremony in Cleveland on April 4. Simmons, while speaking at the recent Billboard Touring Conference, had this to say about the higher-ups in the hall of fame foundation, saying "A lot of those guys on the board can go and get my sandwich when I want, and I mean that in the nicest way." Not that I presume to be qualified to dish advice to Gene Simmons, but seeing how these guys apparently view your band, do you really want them handling your food?...

Since the subject of touring came up, here comes Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, whom you know as the band doing their level-headed best to reinvent the concept of "cookie-cutter" acts. Don't look at me that way. I like some of their songs, but overall, if you have one single by Nickelback on your mp3, you pretty much have the entire band's catalogue. Kroeger bemoaned the "lack of decent rock bands" in a recent interview, adding "Set down the 'Guitar Hero' learn how to play an actual guitar and start a band, because it's hard to find more bands to put a solid rock-and-roll package together." Um...yeah...sounds like someone's pissed cause more people aren't playing their songs on the game. Look, Chad, I can't help it I would much rather prefer to jam on Anarchy in the UK when I play Guitar Hero, but that's no reason to start shilling for a credit card company. Besides, lighten up...the way the music industry has apparently went, you'll be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before KISS, and again I say, what a travesty. Now shut up and go change the name of all your songs for a new album...

Meanwhile, in Switzerland, controversy is flaring, albeit in small doses, over new requirements for those being drafted by the Swiss army. Drinkers, pot smokers, and those used to rollin' on some phat X while waving glow sticks around like some real stupid motherfucker? Yeah, you're good, although no mention was made as to whether or not new conscripts had to bring enough for everybody. Who isn't the Swiss army looking for? Skinny motherfuckers and vegans. Yep, you read that right. Under the new rules, those who eat no animal products or weigh less than 8 stone (however much the fuck that is) are apparently not fit for service. Swiss politician Josef Lang weighted in by cracking that "half the male population will now become vegans.” Hey, why not? Hell of a lot easier than hightailing it to Canada. Also, what the fuck does the Swiss army even do, guard the pocket knifes, chocolates, and clocks? No, seriously...what do they do?...

And of course, what good would I be if I didn't chime in on the unfortunate Sarah Palin-Slaughterhouse interview debacle from the other day? As everyone on the fucking planet is aware of by now, utterly clueless Alaska Governor Sarah Palin took time from her busy schedule of planning Bristol's shotgun wedding and reading every publication printed in the known universe to "pardon" a turkey in her hometown of Wasilla. Funny, for someone who probably still doesn't know what the hell the Vice-President's job description is, she has the whole "pardon the turkey for Thanksgiving" thing down, just like she's practicing to be President herself one day, right? Wrong. After pardoning the gobbler, she proceeded to give an interview, because if there is anything Palin loves more than animals (she even called herself a "friend of all creatures," but did not elaborate if that included those you could shoot from a helicopter), it is the sound of her own voice. Ask her, and she'll even be the first to tell you, if she understands the question, that is. Damn media and such.

Only problem? The only people in Alaska that may be even less competent than Sarah Palin would appear to be her handlers. As Palin was gumbumping for the cameras, the scene right behind her was even more grisly, and that is a feat in its own. After pardoning the turkey, she went right on grinning as the also-rans were fed to the machine, bwah ha ha! Palin has since reverted to her second favorite activity, feigning ignorance, saying that she had no idea that was going on behind her, even though the much played video shows her at one point looking over at the guy taking care of future dinners across the state. Of course, that leaves the debate wide open as to whether or not she's feigning the ignorance, but I'll have to leave that for later.

While I'm not exactly counting anybody out of contention in 2012, I will say Sarah Palin is already on my short list for NOT having a shot at the White House in '12, but to be fair, she is also on my short list as having a really good shot at winning the Presidency in the crucial election the day after hell freezes right the fuck over.

Probably Uncalled For Episode 74 recap

Man, had bad does your particular deity of choice have to have it in for you to kill you by slamming your newly deceased spouse's casket into the back of your head after a traffic accident? Not to mention, while I'm sure there are at least one or two funeral procession jokes out there, my original thought was how bad is the traffic situation in Brazil for something like this to happen? I mean, other third world toilets I can easily imagine this kind of stuff happening, cause you'd have to be half-suicidal to get in a taxi, let alone a hearse for a procession. However you want to look at it, there must have been some kind of karma involved, and apparently it was NOT the karma to fuck with...

...as much as I enjoy professional wrestling, and experience as a promoter aside, even I couldn't truck with the concept of bringing in Sarah Palin for an appearance at a pay-per-view, as TNA Wrestling is proposing for their Dec. 7 Final Resolution event in Orlando, Florida. I'm not disagreeing with the idea of donating $50,000 to charity as part of the deal, and I can't disagree entirely with TNA President Dixie Carter's reasoning behind it, how much more Sarah Palin are we going to be inflicted with? She is officially yesterday's news. Her ticket lost the election, and all she should have to look forward to is going back to Alaska and running that damn state. Enough with the Fox News, CNN, and the like. The ethics system in Alaska, by her design, let her off the hook for her ethics violations, and we all know that not damn thing one will be done over her wardrobe antics on the vice-presidential campaign trail, so can we all at least agree that fading back into the woodwork is the best fucking place for the original desperate housewife to go?...

...regarding the woman in Washington, suing a dentist who botched her breast reduction, why don't you smack your parents for not knowing any better than to take you to a dentist for a boob job, smack your damn self for not knowing any better not to question why you were at a dentist's office for a boob job, and then, in addition to filing suit against the so-called doctor, you need to file suit against the state medical and dental boards in Washington, because if this is the best two state boards can do in the service of protecting the public, then they should damn sure be held just as accountable for letting asshole wanna-be plastic surgeon Thomas Laney get away with his shit for so long...

...if you need any further proof that crime does not pay, just do the math. Stealing an $11 dollar hammer to steal a $9 bottle of wine? I was sad when I lost my train of thought, and then I read of the man who apparently could not think at all. This guy needed an IQ bailout...

...in a final note, I had become rather comfortable with our "Stupid Britain" segment, which has evolved from the occasional odd story about offbeat shit from the United Kingdom, notably Great Britain. From dumbass behavior to even more dumbass governing, the stories eventually became a regular segment. While it may appear otherwise, I really do respect the UK and their rich heritage and history, but seriously, when even the term "british" has been deemed offensive, we may have to actually change the name of the segment to "Stupidity in the UK" or something more inclusive, as God knows we don't want to hurt any feelings over here...you can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes on that one...

Thanks to everyone for checking out the show this week, including The Debi Daly Show, whose host joined us in the chat room tonight, and we hope to see you back again next week for Probably Uncalled For, "Why Talk Radio Was Invented!"

Now the questions begin

Well, I guess I put it off long enough. Then again, with scores of other writers and journalists weighing in on Tuesday's historic elections in today's Sunday newspapers, it's not like I'm waiting until February to really get started on dissecting Sen. Barack Obama's rise to become the President-elect of the United States.

It's fairly obvious to see how Obama won this election. Organization, fund-raising, staying on message, and avoiding the destructive attack tone of campaigning were points of order the Obama team clearly understood better than the slipshod McCain team. From the selection of an utterly unqualified and borderline incompetent running mate, to a stubborn insistence on attacking personal associations that McCain himself was just as close to, the Republicans could not have done a better job of laying down in the road as rush hour was beginning. The party's collapse into chaos has been striking, and more than a little fun to watch, as I haven't seen this much feeding upon itself than the time the four cannibals got caught at a REALLY long red light. If Sarah Palin is really being touted as the new face of the GOP, expect a lot more of the same four years from now. Whackjob, which is closer than most people understand, was more generous than I would have been, and is a lot more generous than I have, in fact been.

As for our new President-elect, the critics, bloggers, and journalists have been quick to start questioning whether or not change is really coming. Come on, people...it took a grand total of three days for me to see a commercial touting a Barack Obama commemorative coin. Made me wonder how many John McCain coins that company had to melt down on Wednesday morning, and how appropriate a term is melt down, considering how the last five or six weeks of the McCain-Palin, or Palin-Voices in her head campaigns went.

Granted, I can admit to a little skepticism. Some of the financial all-star team advising Obama throughout the campaign were already more than a little suspect, given their past roles in the deregulation of the financial industries that played a large part in getting us to the state we're in now. Paul Volcker? Robert Rubin? Larry freakin' Summers? I cannot argue against bringing in people with experience, but sometimes you simply need to hire new guards to work the room, not the guys who helped case the joint in the first place.

Much was made of President-elect Obama's first press conference last week, in which there was some fluff material about the selection of the new dog (or dogs, possibly) for the Obama children, and a humorous moment when Obama made an offhand joke about the reputed fondness for seances by former first lady Nancy Reagan, which Obama later said he called and apologized for. Me personally, I would not have done that. Not that I am entirely an unapologetic person, but let's get serious people, seances? I notice none of them included getting in touch with her husband's mind, after it went off to the great unknown during his second term.

As the first full week of the Obama-elect era winds down, I do find it promising that his transition advisers have compiled a substantial list of Bush administration moves that could be reversed, overturned, or simply tossed on the leaf fire out back. Key on this list are matters involving climate change, stem cell research, and reproductive rights. While I'm sure the religious nutcake factions of the right-wing are wringing hands, gnashing and weeping, and maybe even going to the Florida extent of praying and fasting on courthouse steps (we all saw how well that worked for those nimrods, in their hopes of getting an abortion opponent in the White House), the crucial matter is climate change. Anything our next president does in that neighborhood should start with tackling a repeal of the Clear Skies Act, and working with Congress to overturn the rollbacks enacted on the Clean Air Act.

I congratulate our new President, and I sincerely wish him the best of luck in the pursuit of his agenda, as most anything would be an improvement on the last eight years, just so long as he doesn't allow the ghosts of administrations past to whisper too loudly in his ear. We the people apparently craved change, as evidenced by the vote (for the record, I voted for neither Obama or McCain), but the bottom line for your next four years will be how you tread the very fine line between change we can believe in and just more of the business-as-usual politics this country settled for throughout this decade.

So, will all his friends be voting dumbass that night?

Rumor is building that country music legend Hank Williams, Jr. is seriously kicking around the notion of running for a U.S. Senate seat in Tennessee. While I shake my head slightly and roll my eyes, I'll, as always, allow you a moment at home to facepalm.

Williams, who has made appearances at ten McCain-Palin campaign stops, says he's quite motivated. Might as well be motivated by something other than reworking the lyrics to his hits to fit the flailing Republican presidential ticket or the intro to Monday Night Football, but come on, this?

While he hasn't taken any kind of formal action, like setting up an exploratory committee, he has reportedly been in contact with former Senators Bill Frist and Fred Thompson. Damn, I'm starting to think that faceplant he took off a mountain may have done more damage that originally thought. First, he hitches his wagon to the McCain-Palin campaign, the most inept presidential campaign in political history, and then he looks up Bill Frist and Fred Thompson for advice? Bill Frist, a doctor who famously tried to diagnose someone from what he saw on a freakin' videotape, and Fred Thompson, a capable actor whose brief flirtation with running for President proved he wouldn't even play a credible President on TV? Bottom line, Hank: leave the family tradition where it belongs, behind a guitar on a stage somewhere. Seriously.

Great, now the St. Louis Blues have fallen victim to the Palin Curse

So, the St. Louis Blues decided to try their hand with having Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin drop the ceremonial first puck at a home game this last Saturday. Why not? It worked, ahem, wonders for the Philadelphia Flyers.

So after a hard day being deposed under oath as part of the ongoing Troopergate investigation, Palin, along with her husband and two younger daughters headed over to the Scottrade Center to drop the puck for the Blues-Kings game. This time around, Palin caught more cheers than boos, but that's hardly surprising in a way. After all, it was Missouri, the state that kept electing John Ashcroft to office (well, except for that time his lost to a dead guy) before Dubya took him off their hands.

How did it work our for the Blues? They lost, just like the Flyers did when Palin hit the ice in Philly. But the most ridiculous part of the whole evening? Blues goalie Manny Legace tripped on the red carpet they had for the Palin family and other muckety-mucks to walk to center ice on. Suffering a strained left hip flexor, Legace played only one period, allowing two goals on twelve shots.

Holy damn at Christmas, you're kidding me. The goalie couldn't see a carpet put in the middle of a huge sheet of fucking ice? I facepalmed a little longer than usual after reading this, and you at home are more than free to join me in that. No wonder the Blues have not been doing all that well in recent years. The goalie can't see carpeting placed on the ice, how the hell are we going to expect him to see a black rubber puck heading towards him at 90 mph? To make matters even worse, a team official pointed the carpet out to Legace, and he still tripped on it and injured himself.

For the record, I was once, but now am most assuredly no longer a fan of the St. Louis Blues. My hometown team let me down, and the thought of Sarah Palin wearing a big Blues foam finger and a home jersey just drives the stake a little deeper in my heart. Call it overreaction if you will, but at least someone in the NHL will be thrilled there is someone reacting to pro hockey. I will now open the floor for suggestions, as long as you don't mention the Flyers, Red Wings, or Blackhawks.

Palin 2012? I must have picked the wrong week to stop sniffing airplane glue...

How amusing that Sarah Palin named her favorite clothing store as Out of the Closet, a consignment store in Anchorage, Alaska. Hmmm...hardcore Republican loves Out of the Closet? Both amusing and ironic in the same stroke. Oops, maybe I shouldn't have said stroke.

When mavericks collide? Their awkward interview with NBC's Brian Williams notwithstanding, who's campaign is it anyway? What's I'm trying to get my head wrapped around, is with Palin contradicting McCain on numerous occasions, when she's not managing to contradict herself while she's at it, how can any pundit seriously kick around the concept of a Sarah Palin presidential run in 2012? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying she won't but who in their right mind would take her seriously? Flip flops, confusion, $150 grand in clothes, ethics probes, and of course, the apparent secessionist support aside, what base would she have, and can we start investigating these people now?

A final note on this post- with Palin's brain-shut-off remarks regarding research being conducted with fruit flies, are there yet still people who honestly expect a McCain-Palin administration to have the backs of special needs children? Palin, who has already slashed the budget in her own state in that area, should not be seen as building a lot of confidence there. And four years from now, when her now-infant son won't be small enough to be handed off to another kid when a photo op springs up, ask yourself how many of the Palin offspring will be on stage acting as part of the backdrop. Yep, I think many of you have already asked yourself that question, in spite of probably already knowing the answer.

Probably Uncalled For Episode 71 Recap

Regarding the schmuck in Thomas Township, Michigan who got arrested for getting Bill and Monica with a car wash's vacuum cleaner...damn, buddy, I know times are tough financially for a lot of people here at the present, and 75 cents for a hummer, mechanical or otherwise, may be a hell of a deal, but if I may be so bold, just save up and buy a fucking Dustbuster. The people at Big Lots are not going to automatically assume you are in the market for a cheap companion that swallows, so you can check your social phobias, if any, at the door. An awkward 911 call kind of pales in comparison to spending a night in lock-up, although I'm sure you enthralled the holding cell with the woeful tale of love gone wrong in a car wash parking lot. You should be counting your lucky stars they didn't identify you in the news piece, dumbass...

I said it last night on the show, and I will say it again here- it sure seems like John McCain is already trying out bits and pieces of his concession speech, doesn't it? Already planning on going back to Arizona and serving out your Senate term? That does not sound like a man confident of his chances, and with 12 days to go, it's starting to look like you may have to leverage whatever political capital you have left to even keep your Senate seat, when it's all said and done...

To Frank Armstrong of Clearwater, Florida, the guy who says his Lexus was singled out for vandalism over the McCain-Palin sticker: uh, yeah...maybe if more than just your car was hit by the tools who scratched stuff in the paint, burned it with cigarettes, put a burned flag on the hood, and possibly drained the snake on it, and all cars involved had McCain-Palin stickers on it, then you might have a legitimate bitch. Yours was the only car? Sounds to me like you might have been a douchebag to begin with, political preferences aside...

Glad to see this election is already going to be handcuffed in some shape or fashion by all the hand-wringing over potential vote fraud, dirty tricks in registration, and purging of voter rolls. Anyone has to try and figure out why voter turnout in our country is so low (we are ranked 114th in the world in that category, by way of comparison, Cambodia is ranked 2nd in the world, and they do not have compulsory voting, either), look to the never-ending bullshit that has engulfed our country's "democratic" system of voting. No third parties are given anything resembling a level playing field, the rules become more confusing and/or petty each and every election cycle, and to say the very least, the removal of the process from non-partisan hands does nothing to ensure the bullshit will just get higher and more pungent on every lap...I mean, we have all seen what happens when a career-building, politically motivated Secretary of State (not naming names, Katherine Harris), gets in the mix...

The one change I am starting to hope for more than anything else in the aftermath of this election is Sarah Palin fading back into the woodwork in Alaska. Never before have I seen someone so ill-equipped to handle the national political stage. She makes Dan Quayle look like he discovered the Theory of Relativity, and she even makes Dubya look like he at least knows what he's doing, even though it's mostly been wrong and damn near criminal (and that's the stuff that wasn't flat criminal). Raving idiots like Palin and Rep. Michelle Bachman of Minnesota are the reason I said the cause of women in political roles is being set back for generations to come, and the more they talk, the more it seems like they are bending over backwards to prove me right. These know-nothing desperate housewife wannabes are perhaps the great new unseen danger in the political arena, and you don't even need a Saturday Night Live sketch to see that...

Which disturbs me more about "Great" Britain...that you need a license to throw away the fucking plastic wrap your brown bag lunch, or that doctors in the country need a new helping hand to figure out whether or not a patient is, in fact, dead? Neither. It's the fact they are still considered a world power of any sort. The nation has well went past even being a parody of themselves, and if it weren't for a handful of comedians and actors, they would have no export of any value, other than dumbass news stories for me to rip apart on my show each and every week...

What civic planning fucking genius puts a prison next door to a kindergarten? What moron allows a kindergarten to open next to a prison? Man, and to think, Brazil is on the verge of becoming a major player on the world stage due to their huge energy resources...then again, rather not think about that for the time being...

Switzerland feels it needs to pass a constitutional amendment to protect the dignity of plants? Allow me to facepalm briefly...what's next, People for the Ethical Treatment of Lettuce? Oh well, can't say too much...it's not like the United States has managed to come through on that "all men (or women) created equal" shit they've been touting for 200+ years now. Curious, though...what's the penalty for picking a wildflower from the side of the road? Are we talking a fine, or is there a jail term involved for violating the civil rights of a plant?...

Jeffrey Goldberg, the guy who has made a bit of a name for himself by going through airports coast-to-coast circumventing their security measures, most recently boarding a flight from Minneapolis-St.Paul International to Washington, DC with an Osama Bin Laden t-shirt on and a fake boarding pass with no photo ID on him, has to be applauded for showing us the business-as-usual operations of the Transportation Security Administration. For a country whose government has went above and beyond in playing the fear card in racheting up "homeland security," this is hardly a shock. Borders are not secure, shipping ports are not secure, and so on and so forth. What I want to know is, while Goldberg's quest may be noble, what did he have to Google up to find an "inflatable Arafat doll," and did he use a fake name to order it? There's exposing lax security, and then there's having your name linked to that kind of purchase...

My condolences to the private investigators in Australia...I mean, it had to be a tough life already, getting laid in the name of the common good, but now, just a promise of sex for money is evidence enough? I sense a sudden drop-off in the numbers of PI's doing their thing, so to speak, down under, so to speak...

Great show again, as always, in my less-than-humble opinion. Quick shout outs to friends of the show Jennifer Dunn, dealing with an illness in the family, and Tinkerbell, who has been hospitalized for illness the last couple of days and may be facing surgery. I told Jennifer I have no use for organized religion, but for both these longtime friends of myself and co-host ppdingles, I'll pray for them, and I would ask that fans and listeners of the show would keep them in their thoughts and prayers as well. See you all next week, for an all-new episode.

For God’s sake, someone buy Palin a helmet before she hurts herself

So let me get this straight...Sarah Palin, who bounced through five colleges to get her degree, still does not have any idea what the role of the Vice-President of the United States is?

How the hell has she managed to make it this far in life, let alone politics? While I can't say much about bouncing from school to school, as I am on my third, when I was in 8th grade, back in 1989-90, I had to take and pass a class on the U.S. Constitution to graduate and move on to high school. One of the things I learned...that the Vice-President does not run the Senate! The Vice-President is merely president pro tempore, which is just a title, and votes only in the case of a tie. The Vice-President does not help craft policy on the Senate floor, or anything of the sort. My mom, who had to take the same test back in the 50's, also knows this.

I'm sure Palin would love to be VP, where she can meander around in sweeping circles on the White House lawn, looking for things to shoot, but in the last few weeks, she has shown she wouldn't even be qualified to be "Queen of Alaska," a job more suited to her acceptance of a successionist movement in the very state she plays Governor of.

The running joke has been that Palin is not smarter than a 3rd grader, in reference to her latest swing and miss on the question of the role of the Vice-President (for those of you scoring at home, that was strike 4!), but I am now starting to question whether or not she is truly smart enough not to walk into shit without the help of her handlers, or perhaps one of those tennis balls on an antenna, like you see with people who can't pull into garages in their SUVs.

What the...?

Well, folks, tomorrow leaves only two weeks until the end of the longest presidential election campaign I believe this country has ever seen. Also, one of the dirtiest on behalf of the Republican Party. John McCain and Sarah Palin (they have both dishonored and disgraced their individual titles, and I am not going to put them in) have redefined the words slime and sleaze as we know them!

Now, of all things for a Republican to complain of, McCain says Obama has raised too much money! And since everyone knows that too much money corrupts and causes scandal, I would say if anyone would know this, it would be a Republican, not the least to say a woman who has been found to have violated state ethics standards and a former member of the Keating 5!

Palin's reflection of herself? Yeah, don't stare too long...

Kathleen Parker wrote in her syndicated column yesterday wondering how the mainstream media can improve their image. Other than actually acting like most journalists used to, I can't think of a more solid, or to the point answer.

Worrying about Barack Obama's so-called connection with former 60's radical William Ayers, but nary touching a stone about the governor of Alaska not only addressing the convention of a secessionist group (of which her husband was, and may yet still be a member of) and letting the group know to "keep up the good work" could be a good starting point. That the sitting governor of a state apparently agrees with the stances of a group that wants the very state he or she runs should be more of a focus than that of a charity board, on whom both Democrats and Republicans have served in the past.

Wringing hands over Barack Obama's attendance of a church whose pastor has occasionally made what could be considered inflammatory remarks in the past should pale slightly in comparison with Palin's one-time (or current, I keep losing the scorecard) pastor, who flat honestly believes in witchcraft, or John McCain's past endorsements from some the most half-baked elements of intolerance disguised as representatives of Christianity. If anything, credit could be extended to Palin for somehow making the case that we might be able to accept a Wiccan or Pagan practitioner in the White House. After all, witchcraft is as witchcraft does, I suppose.

The concept that Sarah Palin knows very little about important policy areas such as foreign policy may be brushed off, in comparison with presidents and vice-presidents past, although to the best of my knowledge, none of the previous ever used "well, I have heard of them before" as an answer to questions of capability. I have heard of base jumping, but you'll never get my pale white behind on the ledge of a skyscraper, parachute or otherwise, so I hardly think my mere knowledge qualifies me to run a base jump association. Rather, it is her more-than-apparent flexibility with the nutcases who attend her rallies yelling "kill him!" in reference to one of her opponents. It would be far less disconcerting if Palin were simply just in favor of succession from the nation by Alaska than in trying her level-headed best to get a presidential candidate shot.

It is Parker's opinion that Palin's supporters see themselves in her, and ultimately, how frightening could that wind up being, given the people that Palin herself has been palling around with? Parker asserts that Palin's "lack of polish and knowledge feels like an absence of slickness and glibness" to her supporters.

That's just flat wrong. After eight years of an administration utterly void of slickness, that perpetuation cannot be allowed to continue unchecked. Glibness? That might be great fodder for a cocktail party, but hardly in relation to the White House. Palin's got polish, folks, but let's not kid ourselves here. She's been polished with a dangerously crazy rag, and we are already seeing more than enough evidence of how the fumes have gotten to her.

McCain's search for comprehension

I wonder when the epiphany is going to strike...I truly wonder when that day between now and the first Tuesday of November arrives, and the light bulb fires up over John McCain's head, and the realization finally sets in.

"I couldn't have done a better job of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory if I was the 'B' fighter in a Don King pay-per-view main event."

Granted, that may not be what the Senator from Arizona has flash through his head verbatim, but it probably won't be that far from the truth. As the 2008 presidential election winds down, do you think McCain is starting to compile his mental laundry list of what went wrong? I mean, let's not kid ourselves here, we're talking about a guy who went from being a Republican candidate I would have potentially voted for in 2000 to just another poorly sewn-together Dubya knock-off...a flip-flopping, rambling, clueless man stuck firmly in the grasp of denial.

Was it hiring an all-star team of utter douchebags to run your campaign? Was it picking the original Desperate Housewife as your running mate? Was it briefly (or still, I can't keep track of my scorecard) running the dirtiest campaign of the televised political era? What will be the one thing McCain chalks up as the reason he finds himself sitting in whichever the hell house it will be on November 5, drinking Ovaltine and bottom shelf vodka and celebrating a second-place finish?

Was it letting his wife give stump speeches when she was not busy swiping recipes from every other website she could get her hands on? Was it his running mate setting back the cause of women in politics for decades to come? Was it the leading conservatives, from George Will to Bill Kristol to Kathleen Parker to even Newt friggin' Gingrich falling all over themselves to proclaim that, in fact, this shit is bananas? I guess we'll have to wait until November 5, cause if I tried to individually list all the possible causes, that's how long I'd be sitting here typing.

The ice isn't the only thing melting in Alaska...

Wow- 2008 has turned out to be a landmark year for Alaska politics. Governor Sarah Palin was found to have abused the power of her office and broken the public trust, notably the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act. Senator Ted Stevens can only get other Republican politicians and former members of the Bush Administration to say "hey, he's a good guy!"

Don't know about the rest of you, but a politician is almost synonymous with several four-letter words, with liar being the nicest I'm willing to print!

In just 15 minutes on an all-new Probably Uncalled For...

Episode #69: Come join us on the international talk radio hit tonight, as we'll be discussing last night's second presidential debate, more dumbassery from Sarah Palin, victories for both voting AND Homeland Security, the usual stupid Britain, Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears, Amy Winehouse, and the possibility of an 85 yr old Indiana Jones cracking whip, among other topics TBA

Viral Video Double Feature: Keith Olbermann and Saturday Night Live on Sarah Palin

Keith Olbermann's Special Comment on Sarah Palin's "domestic terrorism" mudslinging (or would that be mudslingin'?)



Saturday Night Live's Vice-Presidential Debate parody, featuring Tiny Fey and Queen Latifah

The boning we're taking pales to the screwing we're in store for

Oh, well, business as usual. This eternal campaign rolls on and on, and the longer it lasts, the more certain I am that at this point it really doesn't matter who wins, this country is SCREWED!

You've got John McCain, who wants to grandstand with our economy to get elected. You've got one Vice-Presidential nominee who is as bad as Dick Cheney, only female. And last but not least you have another running mate who is playing bashful, just like he's not sure this is where he wants to be.

You've got a Congress who can't seem to do anything! Republicans acting like Democrats used to, Democrats doing a good imitation of wimps, and the total sum of all this business as usual - nothing getting done.

WE can't even immigrate to another country, no one wants Americans. And if we tried to do it illegally, you can damn sure bet the bank, we'd be tossed out on our asses!

Guess all we can do is sit back and wait for the chips to fall where they may.

Does this guy own a Farking calendar?

I know from personal experience, as a blogger and author, that sometimes I've encountered a slow news week or writer's block, where you just don't have that much to work with. Given the way last week went, as I was without power for over five days due to remnants of Hurricane Ike kicking Kentuckiana's ass, the inability to react to current events and post to the blogs was irritating, but I countered by writing up a 6,000 word or so piece, which we plan on releasing as an ebook in the coming weeks. Not only did I keep busy, but I managed to at least stay current.

More than I can say for some of the submitters to Fark.com, the popular website that collects news stories from all corners of the Internet, offering often hysterical comments next to the link. (In the interest of full disclosure, my May 15, 2008 article, "These numbers wouldn't even make sense if you were high" was submitted by a reader to the site, no doubt thanks to a reference to Fark in the article).

Today, in between football games and checking on my fantasy teams, I was perusing Fark (a daily ritual for me), when I saw the story of some clerk with a single-digit IQ accepting a $200 bill featuring President and idiot savant (sans savant) George W. Bush, giving back $50 in change on a grocery purchase in Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina. I thought this story sounded familiar...

...and for good reason, I would discover upon closer examination. The story in question was from June 1, 2007.

WTF? I'm guessing that not only does that Farker not own a calendar, but also is not very political, as there is a veritable treasure trove of stories, either involving John McCain's latest round of "What I meant to say was..." or Sarah Palin's newest asshat behavior (and trust me, folks, there is hardly a shortage of those going around). The fans of Fark would no doubt enjoy those more that rehashing some nonsense that happened over a fucking year ago.

Maybe Fark could use a "classic" or "archive" tag to go along with "stupid" or "asinine."

Saturday morning political post

Sometimes, you get the impression Republicans in Alaska are hoping Sarah Palin will get elected Vice-President because they are Republicans, and others, because she will be in D.C. more than Alaska. At least they hope, one way or another, I suppose. The Senate Judiciary Committee in Alaska voted 3-2 to issue 13 subpoenas in their Troopergate investigation, including one to Todd Palin. The Republican-controlled committee had one member jump party line to help the vote pass, and wouldn't you just know it would be Charles Huggins, who represents Wasilla. And this after the President of the State Senate, another Republican, said in no uncertain terms what she thought of Palin's...ahem...qualification to be Vice-President. Although, when you think about it, doesn't this make Huggins a maverick, a maverick's maverick, and someone who is willing to battle his own party in the battle against corruption, therefore, being absolutely qualified for that position as well? Maybe we can get GOP big wig to give him the precursory 15 minute lookover...

...as for John McCain, he seems to be further distancing himself from reality, recently remarking that running mate Sarah Palin "knows more about energy than probably anyone else in the United States of America." Holy damn, Senator, are you shitting me? I'm sure your family may enjoy when you gather around the fire of whichever home it is you currently remember owning and spin tall tales, but could somebody squeaky toy you back to the here and now, cause that certainly isn't the dumbest thing you've ever said, but it certainly is the dumbest thing you said this week...

...Amazing how little time to took for Obama to retaliate in the mudslinging. Not that anybody can blame him, but his recent "When you hear John McCain talking about putting 'Country First,' it's fair to ask- which country?," does sound like it could be questioning McCain's patriotism, although it is doubtful that was the context of the remark. After all, it's not like McCain's done a lot to keep jobs from leaving the country left and right...

...Finally, since it's hard enough for Libertarians to get any coverage, Libertarian presidential candidate Bob Barr recently scored with a shot across Sarah Palin's bow during the 15th Annual Funniest Celebrity in Washington Contest Wednesday night at the DC Improv club. Barr's line? "Does anybody know what the difference between a bulldog and a hockey mom is?""The bulldog gets vetted!" Damn shame he isn't going to win, although I do like the fact he's polling high in several states thus far in the campaign. The fundraiser also featured former presidential candidate (although eventual contest winner) Mike Huckabee.

Thoughts on Probably Uncalled For #66

Amazing. Less than two months to go before the 2008 Presidential election, and somehow, we still have 3,000 days left of this shit. Pitbulls, soccer moms, pigs, lipstick, pregnant teenagers, unknown number of houses one own, "secret" Muslims, sexism, racism, experience, inexperience, and that's just scratching the surface, what with volumes of asshat behavior from Sarah Palin's past coming public on a daily basis. Is this an election, or the season of Dallas they couldn't fucking air? As both a talk show host and a avid blogger/commentator, this kind of bullshit makes me wish Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears would go back to being daily public dumbasses. Where the fuck are the paparazzi when you need them?...

...I'm not surprised there is an emerging drug problem in the world of sumo wrestling. Every sport has/will have their scandals eventually, and the law of averages says sooner or later, one of those scandals is going to be drugs. I guess this may, in fact, be the only sport on Earth in which marijuana is a performance enhancer. Probably nothing more self-destructive, I imagine, than a speed freak sumo wrestler. Allow me to play devil's advocate for the sumos. They are a proud athlete, with the sport going back nearly 2,000 years. This is like religion in Japan, and a major reason American-style professional wrestling is hugely popular there, as well. For many professional wrestlers out there (myself and my show's co host, included) who get irritated as hell when we see or hear about "backyard" wrestling promotions, so I can only begin to imagine what these poor guys feel when they see a bunch of half-shitfaced frat boys in the sumo suits, looking like half-shitface sumo action figures having seizures. They must need something to fill that hole in their soul that four fried chickens and a coke just won't. Don't get me wrong, the four fried chickens and the coke's gonna happen, we all know that, all I am asking is won't somebody please think of the sumos?...

...got quite a bit of amusement when we got to the story on hookers in Sweden wanting to pay taxes on their earnings. Can't find any cons on this, or any rational reason to disagree, cause God knows the arguments against this are ludicrous, but I can't help but think somehow the whole joke about "twenty bucks, same as in town," are going to become a thing of the past, cause now you''' think about this, then try to calculate the exchange rate, which somehow will lead to figuring in gratuity (15%, ya cheap bastard) plus sales tax. (On average, using exchange rates current as this is written, this" $20 bucks same as in town," will run ya 165 Swedish Kronors), and by the time you're through with that cerebral mess, the moment has passed. Far and away...

already mentioned Britney Spears once in this column. That's the limit. Not like the MTV Video Music Awards fucking matter to anyone, anywhere, anymore...

...next time Oasis is performing, and a fan wants to kick one of the Gallagher brothers' asses, I can only hope they either get the job done with whichever douchebag they pick (or get to first), or the roadies, people attending (I refuse to believe there are actually fans of Oasis left at this point), and even the rest of the band say to hell with it and sit back and watch the beat down...

The good...Al Franken winning his Senate primary in Minnesota on Tuesday. Now, for the general election, where the former SNL writer will face incumbent Senator Norm Coleman (R) and former U.S Senator (appointed by then-Gov. Ventura) Dean Barkley, running for the Independence Party.

The bad...Lindsay Lohan turning down a $700,000 offer from Playboy to pose for a spread. I know I trashed this out on the show, and rightfully so, but let me explain why I've given this the "bad" for the week so far. While the idea of paying someone like Lohan any kind of folding money to flash her damaged goods is an automatic bad, as is people paying for the...ahem...opportunity to see it (doesn't anyone have the Internet? I mean, for fuck's sake, who hasn't seen Lindsay Lohan naked?) I have a Playboy subscription, but I think I'd have to send that one back, or see how much some schmuck would pay for it on eBay, make up the pro-rated loss of value of my subscription for that year. If you haven't seen her naked, then give up already. Take my word for it, you've seen one rusted-out car in an alley, you've pretty much seen them all. Could have been worse, however. Playboy could have made the offer to Samantha Ronson.

The ugly...I went ahead and gave this to Gary Coleman, for his vehicular mishap. Look, hitting some anonymous asshole with your car is so last year. Notice there weren't any photographers following your every move? Go find another bullshit reality show to go hang your wee hat on, cause all the seeing over the dashboard jokes have all been done, and are best served for the elderly. Schmuck.

Catch you next week on the show...

Only 15 minutes until a brand-new Probably Uncalled For!

Tonight, on an all-new episode of Probably Uncalled For, Live on Blog Talk Radio, join Thomas Keister and "The Internet Legend," ppdingles, as they'll be discussing: more on VP Candidate Sarah Palin, a new drug scandal hitting the world of wrestling, a stunning report on apparently how little there was to do this last weekend, Lindsay Lohan, education (the last two are not related), the greatest help wanted ad of all time, and other topics TBA.

8:00 PM East/5:00 PM West