Meanwhile, as I was wondering if anyone would manage to get trampled during "Cyber Monday," the big online shopping day following Black Friday...
MSNBC mentioned Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin campaigning for Senator and well-known douchebag Saxby Chambliss today in Georgia, where Chambliss faces Democrat Jim Martin in a runoff election tomorrow. The headline at the bottom of the screen proclaimed "Palin on the stump again." My first thought? Palin on the stump again? That's a heck of a thing to say about Todd, and I wonder when the next trophy child will be unloosed upon us...
With a story breaking over the weekend that Britain is actually the most promiscuous countries in the world, I was glad to get a little cause and effect story to balance everything out this morning, as another study showed that many major supermarket chains are charging rock bottom prices, no pun intended, for alcohol than for bottled water and in a few instances, even less than a bottle of Coke. Alcohol is now almost 70% cheaper now, based on income, than it was in 1980, with some items going for 40% less than the suggested retail price. Wow. I think we finally have an answer as to why hook-ups occur in supermarkets as opposed to bars. Not to mention, the overall bravery of the British people, as readily available cheap booze combined with promiscuity simply increases the odds of winding up in the sack with Amy Winehouse. I'd rather play Russian roulette than take the chance on waking up next to Amy Winehouse, because honestly people, who has the time to gnaw their arm off at the shoulder at that hour of the morning?...
Now that we are neck deep in the holiday season, let the dumbass "war on Christmas" stories and PC holiday "traditions" flood our news markets. In Olympia, Washington, the Christmas tree (or Holiday tree, or Xmas shrub, or whatever the hell you wanna call it) will share space with not only a Christian nativity scene, but a billboard from an atheist group. Normally, there is also a menorah included to recognize Hanukkah, but so far, no requests have been made to include one this year.
The billboard, sponsored by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, will read
"Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds." Fair enough, I suppose, and maybe even true enough, if you take enough time to study the issue and come to your own conclusion, but what struck me as stupid was the statement by Annie Laurie Gaylor, the foundation's co-president, that the sign is a reminder of the "real reason for the season, the winter solstice."
Uh, yeah...about that...not that I am a giant fan of the holiday season by any stretch of the imagination, that statement is just ludicrous. Yes, I am well aware that the winter solstice marks the beginning of winter, but let me ponder, when have I ever seen a "Winter Solstice Sale," or a winter solstice tree, or the winter solstice tradition of cramming "A Christmas Story" or "It's a Wonderful Life" down our throats, or heard the godawful winter solstice music? Oh, yeah...never have. I can fully get behind separating religion from those who may not want a public spectacle made of it every fucking year, but a Christmas tree hardly fucking qualifies. There is Christmas, which some choose to celebrate as a religious holiday, and yet others still who use it to its materialistic breaking point. Why not crusade for something that means something real, like poverty, or injustice, or something rather than self-importance for six weeks out of the year?
You may think I'm being harsh, or reactionary, or whatever the buzzword is this year, but ask yourself...where are all the protesters like Annie Laurie Gaylor come summer solstice?...yep, that what I thought...
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Monday, December 1, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
8 Awkward moments of Childhood.
COURTESY OF HOLYTACO.COM
ENJOY!
Growing up is one embarrassing moment after another. Here's a few moments that tend to stand out from the rest.
8. WET DREAM
When you wake up from your first wet dream, you're basically like one of those soldiers in the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan; scared and confused and checking to see if the stuff you're covered in is coming from your body. After realizing it's not urine by rubbing it between your fingers and smelling it like an 1800s fur trader trying to make sure he's not getting a fake pelt, it's clean up time. I'm pretty convinced that if murderers took the time and paid the attention to detail that kids spend hiding the evidence of an unexpected splooge, death row would be empty.
7. ASKING A GIRL OUT
The first time you try and ask a girl out on a date ends up sounding a lot like a Woody Allen monologue. You start off with, "Um, so, um, I was wondering if, like, ya know, maybe you wanted to, like…I mean you're probably busy, but, like…" and then after three minutes of that you end it with "…and so my friend was all, like, ya know weird and then the helicopter picked them up off the boat…and that's it." After you walk away thinking you were totally cool, it slowly dawns on you that you didn't actually ask her out, but in your nervous desperation ended up telling her about an episode of Gilligan's Island.
6. GETTING A BONER IN A PLAYGROUND SETTING
When you're little, boners, much like hurricanes, are an unstoppable force that comes with little or no warning, leaving you powerless until they've run their course. Your only hope is that they happen in unpopulated areas. But sometimes a slight wind mixed with a quick lateral movement during a tag game, causes a boner to rear it's ugly head. And if you're not wearing pants or shorts that allow for the "Tuck it behind your belt" method, you're forced to waddle towards a place where you can sit down, in hopes that pushing your ass out will leave enough open space in the crotch area of your shorts to give your boner some breathing room. Unfortunately everyone can identify that walk, and they suddenly stop whatever they're doing and point and stare like they're a group of Japanese tourists on a whale watching expedition. Then the kid who's parents don't pay enough attention to him at home yells out "he's got a boner!" and ironically adds, "What a homo!"
5. CRAPPING/PISSING YOURSELF
Managing bathroom breaks is one of the trickier aspects of being a child. Which is why you see so many young boys running around and holding their wieners like your dad holds the garden hose when he doesn't want any water to come out of it. But there's still nothing worse than realizing you just crapped yourself or unloaded a gallon of Kool Aid into your Underoos. The problem is, what do you do after you've demolished your pants in a public setting? Most kids just freeze like a deer in the headlights and pretend nothing happened while their minds race over their options, which are: 1) Sit there and pretend nothing happened. Then when someone asks about the smell, blame the retarded kid. Or 2) Start crying. As with most childhood situations, options 1 and 2 usually end up occurring.
4. YOUR FIRST FIGHT
Somebody's Derek Jeter binder got stepped on and suddenly a time and location are set and the entire school has found out. Your friends, who have never been in a fight, suddenly have a wealth of combat knowledge to share with you. When you arrive to the location after school, you partake in the ceremonial "calling your opponent a fag" portion of the event for several minutes as you both try and put off the actual fighting part of the fight. But the crowd becomes restless, and suddenly you clamp your fist and swing it towards your opponent like you're throwing a grenade under water. It lands nowhere near his face like you had planned, and the fight devolves into both of you pulling each others shirts while on the ground, and getting super red faced, as if you're attempting to shit out a bowling ball. After about twenty seconds of what looks like two kids dry humping, the crowd sees a random adult 200 yards away and scatters frantically.
3. CRYING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
Whether it's because you fell down on the playground or crapped your pants or got caught stealing, everyone has a moment in their childhood where they stood there and let buckets of tears and snot run down their face while making that hiccupy air sucking noise in front of all their friends. And after the "incident" is over, your best friends won't talk to you for at least an hour because they don't want to catch your shame cooties. No one will actually say the word "dignity" (mostly because they're too young to know what it means) but from that day forward you will know that you don't have any.
2. GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING
The sheer, heart-stopping terror that shoots through your body when your mom walks in while you're masturbating causes you to blurt out the the only words you can think of as fast as you can. Unfortunately your nerves have only left you with a collection of ridiculous phrases that do nothing too help your cause. "Whoa, cleaning! Washing…hang on! No, I'm not! Just can't get my pants on! Stuck! New underwear! I swear!" If you have a hippy mom, she'll probably try and tell you that what you're doing is a completely normal bodily function. If you have an uptight mom, she'll walk out and pretend nothing ever happened. (Pray for an uptight mom.)
1. WALKING IN ON YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX
Few things in life are as scarring as going to ask your parents if you can open the new box of Cocoa puffs, only to find your father putting his erect penis inside your mother. If the government could make the terrorists in Guantamo Bay watch their parents boning in front of them, we could get rid of waterboarding. The worst part about it is when your parents see you, they frantically try to pull the covers over themselves and turn away from you, except they haven't coordinated this, so they each pull different things, resulting in them pulling covers off of another part of their body. This leaves you face to face with images such as the back of your dad's nutsack, or your mom's asshole.
ENJOY!
Growing up is one embarrassing moment after another. Here's a few moments that tend to stand out from the rest.
8. WET DREAM
When you wake up from your first wet dream, you're basically like one of those soldiers in the first twenty minutes of Saving Private Ryan; scared and confused and checking to see if the stuff you're covered in is coming from your body. After realizing it's not urine by rubbing it between your fingers and smelling it like an 1800s fur trader trying to make sure he's not getting a fake pelt, it's clean up time. I'm pretty convinced that if murderers took the time and paid the attention to detail that kids spend hiding the evidence of an unexpected splooge, death row would be empty.
7. ASKING A GIRL OUT
The first time you try and ask a girl out on a date ends up sounding a lot like a Woody Allen monologue. You start off with, "Um, so, um, I was wondering if, like, ya know, maybe you wanted to, like…I mean you're probably busy, but, like…" and then after three minutes of that you end it with "…and so my friend was all, like, ya know weird and then the helicopter picked them up off the boat…and that's it." After you walk away thinking you were totally cool, it slowly dawns on you that you didn't actually ask her out, but in your nervous desperation ended up telling her about an episode of Gilligan's Island.
6. GETTING A BONER IN A PLAYGROUND SETTING
When you're little, boners, much like hurricanes, are an unstoppable force that comes with little or no warning, leaving you powerless until they've run their course. Your only hope is that they happen in unpopulated areas. But sometimes a slight wind mixed with a quick lateral movement during a tag game, causes a boner to rear it's ugly head. And if you're not wearing pants or shorts that allow for the "Tuck it behind your belt" method, you're forced to waddle towards a place where you can sit down, in hopes that pushing your ass out will leave enough open space in the crotch area of your shorts to give your boner some breathing room. Unfortunately everyone can identify that walk, and they suddenly stop whatever they're doing and point and stare like they're a group of Japanese tourists on a whale watching expedition. Then the kid who's parents don't pay enough attention to him at home yells out "he's got a boner!" and ironically adds, "What a homo!"
5. CRAPPING/PISSING YOURSELF
Managing bathroom breaks is one of the trickier aspects of being a child. Which is why you see so many young boys running around and holding their wieners like your dad holds the garden hose when he doesn't want any water to come out of it. But there's still nothing worse than realizing you just crapped yourself or unloaded a gallon of Kool Aid into your Underoos. The problem is, what do you do after you've demolished your pants in a public setting? Most kids just freeze like a deer in the headlights and pretend nothing happened while their minds race over their options, which are: 1) Sit there and pretend nothing happened. Then when someone asks about the smell, blame the retarded kid. Or 2) Start crying. As with most childhood situations, options 1 and 2 usually end up occurring.
4. YOUR FIRST FIGHT
Somebody's Derek Jeter binder got stepped on and suddenly a time and location are set and the entire school has found out. Your friends, who have never been in a fight, suddenly have a wealth of combat knowledge to share with you. When you arrive to the location after school, you partake in the ceremonial "calling your opponent a fag" portion of the event for several minutes as you both try and put off the actual fighting part of the fight. But the crowd becomes restless, and suddenly you clamp your fist and swing it towards your opponent like you're throwing a grenade under water. It lands nowhere near his face like you had planned, and the fight devolves into both of you pulling each others shirts while on the ground, and getting super red faced, as if you're attempting to shit out a bowling ball. After about twenty seconds of what looks like two kids dry humping, the crowd sees a random adult 200 yards away and scatters frantically.
3. CRYING IN FRONT OF EVERYONE
Whether it's because you fell down on the playground or crapped your pants or got caught stealing, everyone has a moment in their childhood where they stood there and let buckets of tears and snot run down their face while making that hiccupy air sucking noise in front of all their friends. And after the "incident" is over, your best friends won't talk to you for at least an hour because they don't want to catch your shame cooties. No one will actually say the word "dignity" (mostly because they're too young to know what it means) but from that day forward you will know that you don't have any.
2. GETTING CAUGHT MASTURBATING
The sheer, heart-stopping terror that shoots through your body when your mom walks in while you're masturbating causes you to blurt out the the only words you can think of as fast as you can. Unfortunately your nerves have only left you with a collection of ridiculous phrases that do nothing too help your cause. "Whoa, cleaning! Washing…hang on! No, I'm not! Just can't get my pants on! Stuck! New underwear! I swear!" If you have a hippy mom, she'll probably try and tell you that what you're doing is a completely normal bodily function. If you have an uptight mom, she'll walk out and pretend nothing ever happened. (Pray for an uptight mom.)
1. WALKING IN ON YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX
Few things in life are as scarring as going to ask your parents if you can open the new box of Cocoa puffs, only to find your father putting his erect penis inside your mother. If the government could make the terrorists in Guantamo Bay watch their parents boning in front of them, we could get rid of waterboarding. The worst part about it is when your parents see you, they frantically try to pull the covers over themselves and turn away from you, except they haven't coordinated this, so they each pull different things, resulting in them pulling covers off of another part of their body. This leaves you face to face with images such as the back of your dad's nutsack, or your mom's asshole.
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