Probably Uncalled For Episode 74 recap

Man, had bad does your particular deity of choice have to have it in for you to kill you by slamming your newly deceased spouse's casket into the back of your head after a traffic accident? Not to mention, while I'm sure there are at least one or two funeral procession jokes out there, my original thought was how bad is the traffic situation in Brazil for something like this to happen? I mean, other third world toilets I can easily imagine this kind of stuff happening, cause you'd have to be half-suicidal to get in a taxi, let alone a hearse for a procession. However you want to look at it, there must have been some kind of karma involved, and apparently it was NOT the karma to fuck with...

...as much as I enjoy professional wrestling, and experience as a promoter aside, even I couldn't truck with the concept of bringing in Sarah Palin for an appearance at a pay-per-view, as TNA Wrestling is proposing for their Dec. 7 Final Resolution event in Orlando, Florida. I'm not disagreeing with the idea of donating $50,000 to charity as part of the deal, and I can't disagree entirely with TNA President Dixie Carter's reasoning behind it, how much more Sarah Palin are we going to be inflicted with? She is officially yesterday's news. Her ticket lost the election, and all she should have to look forward to is going back to Alaska and running that damn state. Enough with the Fox News, CNN, and the like. The ethics system in Alaska, by her design, let her off the hook for her ethics violations, and we all know that not damn thing one will be done over her wardrobe antics on the vice-presidential campaign trail, so can we all at least agree that fading back into the woodwork is the best fucking place for the original desperate housewife to go?...

...regarding the woman in Washington, suing a dentist who botched her breast reduction, why don't you smack your parents for not knowing any better than to take you to a dentist for a boob job, smack your damn self for not knowing any better not to question why you were at a dentist's office for a boob job, and then, in addition to filing suit against the so-called doctor, you need to file suit against the state medical and dental boards in Washington, because if this is the best two state boards can do in the service of protecting the public, then they should damn sure be held just as accountable for letting asshole wanna-be plastic surgeon Thomas Laney get away with his shit for so long...

...if you need any further proof that crime does not pay, just do the math. Stealing an $11 dollar hammer to steal a $9 bottle of wine? I was sad when I lost my train of thought, and then I read of the man who apparently could not think at all. This guy needed an IQ bailout...

...in a final note, I had become rather comfortable with our "Stupid Britain" segment, which has evolved from the occasional odd story about offbeat shit from the United Kingdom, notably Great Britain. From dumbass behavior to even more dumbass governing, the stories eventually became a regular segment. While it may appear otherwise, I really do respect the UK and their rich heritage and history, but seriously, when even the term "british" has been deemed offensive, we may have to actually change the name of the segment to "Stupidity in the UK" or something more inclusive, as God knows we don't want to hurt any feelings over here...you can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes on that one...

Thanks to everyone for checking out the show this week, including The Debi Daly Show, whose host joined us in the chat room tonight, and we hope to see you back again next week for Probably Uncalled For, "Why Talk Radio Was Invented!"

What part of body cavity search did you miss, dumbass?

The crackhead in question, pictured below, 38 year-old Evelyn Russo of Palm City, Florida, was arrested and charged after stealing two bucks in change from a car. While being booked, they found a glass crack pipe lodged between her ass cheeks, leading to an additional charge of introducing contraband into a detention facility. No word on whether or not charges are being considered for testing the limits of what latex gloves make it acceptable to touch.

Man, even with the grief I give police officers in my articles and posts from time to time for some of the stupid things they do, this is obviously one of those times when they are grossly underpaid, and judging from the picture, extra emphasis on grossly. Even for a crackhead, this dumbass is an embarrassment. It's 2008, lady...the law is well onto the tactic of hiding things in your ASS by now! Not to mention, after taking a look at you, and then this story, and then you again, I would dare venture the pipe was probably healthier before, when just used for inhaling crack, than it is now, after spending an exciting couple of hours crammed up your nasty ass. My advice would be to just go ahead and fucking hang yourself with jailhouse sheets, or your panties, should you even own any, or whatever you can get your hands on, because you obviously suck at life.

Not Point Break, not even a smoke break in this case

It was the greatest bank robbery ever. Bar none. Period. Last week, the greatest bank robber of all time struck the Wells Fargo Bank in New Carlisle, Indiana, scored, and got away, all in under a minute flat.

While it was not disclosed whether or not the greatest bank robbery of all time netted enough cash to qualify as a retirement score, the truly awe-inspiring part of this whole fiasco was the speed involved. Under a minute? You'd be hard pressed to flesh this story out enough to make a feature film about the caper. For God's sake, most movie trailers are longer than the entire robbery, start to finish.

That is not to say, however, all the thought involved, casing the joint, and the intricate, detailed, precise planning produced the perfect crime. When a 911 call was made, it was instead accidentally re-routed to South Bend, some 15 miles from New Carlisle. Ready for the holy damn! moment? The bank was next door to the freakin' New Carlisle Police Department!

How in hell did this guy rob a bank successfully, in under a minute, with balls that big? I mean, honestly, you could call the 911 mishap a lucky fluke, but who tries to rob a bank next door to the freakin' police department?

Then again, unless they figure out what the bug in the system was between New Carlisle and South Bend, and then fix it, who's to say the greatest bank robber of all time, or an admiring copycat won't try to make it 2 for 2? At this point, I wouldn't necessarily bet against him...or the copycat, for that matter...

Another great advance in the war on drugs

We travel to California for this one, where the United States Forest Service has coughed up $200,000 of taxpayer monies to buy a pair of unmanned "drones" to fly over national forests to aid in the battle against Mexican cartels that have been setting up shop on the Forest Service's turf.

The drone wars...began they have...

The contraptions will help identify marijuana crops and provide risk assessment to law enforcement agencies before raids are made. The $100k drones feature one equipped with thermal cameras for night flight.

Not that I'm overly thrilled over this news, hearing of yet another waste piled on to the drug war's perpetually running tab, but it is good to see the Forest Service man up a bit. Tired of just hearing about them warn bears about stealing picnic baskets or stumble over the occasional serial killer. Oh yeah, and guarding against forest fires...there's that, too.

Can't wait to hear the story, however, where two enterprising sorts take out one, or both, of the drones. Maybe not in a clever, ice planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back-way, but you know what I'm saying.

Man...first we mentioned the possible beginning of the Sith-Jedi wars (in a physical sense) in England, where a guy in a Darth Vader helmet (presumably a Sith) attacked the founder of Britain's Jedi Church...and now, the drones are being deployed...fuck, man..somebody best be getting off their asses and making this lightsaber thing a reality...

More great moments in optimism

Part one...You gotta feel bad for Denise Crews, down in MacClenny, Florida. First, she loses her husband, then, some asshat starts stealing the flowers from her husband's grave! Aw, WTF, man?! What's the matter pal, your skank girlfriend no longer turned on by the panty roses you've been dropping three bucks on here and there?

Fed up, and rightfully so, Crews went to the extent of installing a hidden motion-sensitive camera to try and catch the dickhead at work. Nice try, Mrs. Crews, but damned if he didn't take the fucking camera, too!

Well, crap. Some people have identified an older model pickup parked near the grave, and First Coast Crime Stoppers is taking tips on leads. Here's to hoping they find whoever is doing this asinine shit. In a perfect world, Mrs. Crews, they'd let you smash the jerk's hands with the business end of a Louisville Slugger...

Part two...Then again, I suppose some optimism is more altruistic than others. Over in Washington, D.C., a new plan is being tweaked slightly over concerns that people's rights may be abused. The program? Allowing people to call and schedule an appointment for the police to come and check the house for illegal firearms. The program grants amnesty from firearm possession charges, but not for any crimes committed with the gun.

And yet, somehow, people aren't flooding the D.C. police stations with calls to get a gun search booked? I mean, it's not exactly like a radon check or something..."Yes sir, we just moved into our home, and we were wondering if you could swing through and check for any wayward illegal firearms. We're pretty sure nothing was done with them, but we'd like you to come and get them, just in case." I wanna hear the tape of that conversation.

I can't fault them for trying new tactics in the war on crimes, but if they could only figure out some options that seem a little more realistic...

Tonight, on the show...

Tonight, join Dr. Tom and ppdingles on an all-new episode, as they'll be taking on all comers- the young, the old, and all the idiots in between. Topics include stretching the definition of "tasteful" to the breaking point, in relation to some nude photos being proposed, more great moments in suicide, crime, dumb college shit, and other fascinating examples of the best, the worst, and often the most inexplicable in To Be Announced...

Coming up tonight on the show...

Join us tonight on the show, as we'll be discussifying some air travel, crime, the most depressing news regarding depression we've heard in a hot minute, adventures in obesity, misadventures in spelling, a warning sign your parents just may suck, the Oscars (for whatever reason), along with all the usual To Be Announced...LIVE tonight at 8PM Eastern/5PM Pacific...