Your weekend in entertainment news: Could someone please repo Paris Hilton's SAG card?

Pop singer Pink, whose music I sort of consider a guilty pleasure, passed along the details of an alleged argument she had with alleged musician John Mayer recently, after the douchebag reportedly made the comment that he "only shags really stupid women." Really? Good fucking thing I had not previously confused Jessica Simpson and Cameron Diaz as intellectual beacons in the entertainment industry. And honestly..."shag?" I know Mayer's an insufferable schmuck and all, but don't you think one of the fabulous people he bends over a couch somewhere would bother telling him the whole "Austin Powers" thing has faded from the pop culture jargon here in the past few years? Seriously, can't this idiot die in a plane crash, or a drug overdose, or from rough sex gone bad in some hotel room with a flock of third world hustlers?

In her recent interview with Britain's The Sun, Pink went on to say she "doesn't believe him as much as he believes him." Not only is that fairly amusing, but pretty on the mark, given Mayer's reputation for having a much, read MUCH, higher opinion of himself than really anybody on the planet, other than his gaggle of douchebag fans. Only Dane Cook baffles me more for being famous with little to no discernible talent whatsoever. Then again, in fairness to Mayer, at least he writes his own material, which is more than I can say for a good portion of Cook's alleged stand-up routine.

But what I would like to know, is how is Jennifer Aniston handling her new-found, and as rumored, recently regained status as one of the "really stupid women?" Guess we'll find out whenever a sex tape surfaces...

...Meanwhile, as Pink was dragging John Mayer's dumb ass through the mud for his supposed fuckery, Tara Reid reared her ugly from the neck down, commenting that she would never do Playboy, in an interview with People magazine. Has People run out of shit to write about? What in the name of holy damn is Tara Reid doing these days that would interest anybody, let alone the readers of People, despite the fact the readers of People would be fascinated by the bowel movement trends of celebrities even further down on the food chain that Tara Reid?

Reid, in the course of her interview, told the magazine that the only person who sees her naked is her boyfriend, who "thinks I'm sexy, and that's all I care about." Isn't that fucking special? The D-list celebrities always get the sweetest boyfriends, don't they? She'd better hope the royalties don't dry up anytime soon. I'm just saying. Not to mention, how is it that the people who have legitimately NO shot at gracing the pages of Playboy, unless fully clothed,are the first to insist they would NEVER pose for the legendary periodical? Last time I heard, and in the interest of full disclosure, I am a Playboy subscriber, they were most assuredly NOT interested in having her mangled ass do a spread. I would even be so bold as to suggest that even Penthouse and Hustler would not consider it, not even for a split second.

Go have another cocktail, hang out with that boyfriend who must dig you a lot more with the lights off, and leave the interviews off your list. I'm glad you know there are problems with your stomach. We're ALL glad you know that, cause quite frankly, we're tired as fuck of hearing about it, and especially seeing it. For someone who has a problem with the way her stomach looks, don't you think you could find a shirt that doesn't quite draw attention to your B-grade plastic surgery mishaps, which you call your "battle wounds." "Battle wounds?" Maybe that's what caused the problem. What the fuck, did you pick a fight with the plastic surgeon in the middle of the fucking procedure? Fucking dolt...

...Yeah, I hear ya. It has been a bit since I had anything nasty to write about busted-ass skidro Paris Hilton. Been a busy time for me, what with the election and everything. But rest soundly, my faithful readers...America's favorite cockstainer is back...AND WITH A NEW MOVIE!!! I'm sure you have been anticipating this as much as I have, if only to rip her on it, cause you know I have absolutely NO interest whatsoever in seeing it. More disclosure here, people: I have only sat through one Paris Hilton movie in its entirety, and that was House of Wax. Yes, to answer your first question, I do still feel it when it comes onto rain. To answer your second question, yes, I have seen parts of One Night in Paris, and no, I have not seen the infamous sex tape all the way through. I saw just enough, through web clips, to show that only with Paris Hilton could one become famous with a sex tape, and not even look like she knows how to suck a dick. Only in America, and only with Paris Hilton.

But now she's supposedly a singer, and an actress, and with Repo! The Genetic Opera, which opened this last Friday, now being inflicted upon unsuspecting theatergoers, the legacy continues. Early reviews are in, and unsurprisingly, they are less than kind. Why then, I wonder, do studios keep giving her a shot? Doesn't Repo! now hit the list as the second, third, or maybe even fourth movie Hilton has done that has been described as "easily one of the worst movies of the year, if not all time?" God knows I was just as curious as you were, so it was off to IMDB.com, which not only lists Hilton's other infamous movie from this year, The Hottie and the Nottie as the #15 worst movie of all-time (it was previously gracing the #1 spot until Disaster Movie came along) and her 2006 celluloid abortion Pledge This! (also known as National Lampoon's Pledge This!), which is currently listed as the 9th worst movie of all-time, but also her flick The Hillz (2004), which is currently racking up 24th worst movie honors. Three and now possibly a fourth mishap residing in the Bottom 100 movies of all-time? What a resume. We're talking about stuff ranked below Manos: The Hands of Fate, Glitter, Gigli, and even From Justin to Kelly. From Justin to Kelly, for fuck's sake!

I would say this is what the studios get for involving someone who wasn't even very convincing as an accidental porn actress, but then again, I'm not saying anything you don't already know. To further complicate matters, it seems as though the only reason she was in the movie was to piggyback it to notice, if not fame. LA Times critic Mark Olsen noted this, as he writes Hilton is "never glimpsed in anything but brief, fleeting shots and her hoarse bark of a singing voice is used as little as possible."

I, for one, will not lose any sleep over missing the experience of witnessing this steamer, in theaters, on DVD, or even on an airplane. Sometimes, there's a lot to be said for not liking to fly. That said, I'd rather be in a 747 plummeting to earth than waste a minute, a second, a dollar, or a dime on a Paris Hilton project.

Thoughts on Probably Uncalled For #66

Amazing. Less than two months to go before the 2008 Presidential election, and somehow, we still have 3,000 days left of this shit. Pitbulls, soccer moms, pigs, lipstick, pregnant teenagers, unknown number of houses one own, "secret" Muslims, sexism, racism, experience, inexperience, and that's just scratching the surface, what with volumes of asshat behavior from Sarah Palin's past coming public on a daily basis. Is this an election, or the season of Dallas they couldn't fucking air? As both a talk show host and a avid blogger/commentator, this kind of bullshit makes me wish Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears would go back to being daily public dumbasses. Where the fuck are the paparazzi when you need them?...

...I'm not surprised there is an emerging drug problem in the world of sumo wrestling. Every sport has/will have their scandals eventually, and the law of averages says sooner or later, one of those scandals is going to be drugs. I guess this may, in fact, be the only sport on Earth in which marijuana is a performance enhancer. Probably nothing more self-destructive, I imagine, than a speed freak sumo wrestler. Allow me to play devil's advocate for the sumos. They are a proud athlete, with the sport going back nearly 2,000 years. This is like religion in Japan, and a major reason American-style professional wrestling is hugely popular there, as well. For many professional wrestlers out there (myself and my show's co host, included) who get irritated as hell when we see or hear about "backyard" wrestling promotions, so I can only begin to imagine what these poor guys feel when they see a bunch of half-shitfaced frat boys in the sumo suits, looking like half-shitface sumo action figures having seizures. They must need something to fill that hole in their soul that four fried chickens and a coke just won't. Don't get me wrong, the four fried chickens and the coke's gonna happen, we all know that, all I am asking is won't somebody please think of the sumos?...

...got quite a bit of amusement when we got to the story on hookers in Sweden wanting to pay taxes on their earnings. Can't find any cons on this, or any rational reason to disagree, cause God knows the arguments against this are ludicrous, but I can't help but think somehow the whole joke about "twenty bucks, same as in town," are going to become a thing of the past, cause now you''' think about this, then try to calculate the exchange rate, which somehow will lead to figuring in gratuity (15%, ya cheap bastard) plus sales tax. (On average, using exchange rates current as this is written, this" $20 bucks same as in town," will run ya 165 Swedish Kronors), and by the time you're through with that cerebral mess, the moment has passed. Far and away...

already mentioned Britney Spears once in this column. That's the limit. Not like the MTV Video Music Awards fucking matter to anyone, anywhere, anymore...

...next time Oasis is performing, and a fan wants to kick one of the Gallagher brothers' asses, I can only hope they either get the job done with whichever douchebag they pick (or get to first), or the roadies, people attending (I refuse to believe there are actually fans of Oasis left at this point), and even the rest of the band say to hell with it and sit back and watch the beat down...

The good...Al Franken winning his Senate primary in Minnesota on Tuesday. Now, for the general election, where the former SNL writer will face incumbent Senator Norm Coleman (R) and former U.S Senator (appointed by then-Gov. Ventura) Dean Barkley, running for the Independence Party.

The bad...Lindsay Lohan turning down a $700,000 offer from Playboy to pose for a spread. I know I trashed this out on the show, and rightfully so, but let me explain why I've given this the "bad" for the week so far. While the idea of paying someone like Lohan any kind of folding money to flash her damaged goods is an automatic bad, as is people paying for the...ahem...opportunity to see it (doesn't anyone have the Internet? I mean, for fuck's sake, who hasn't seen Lindsay Lohan naked?) I have a Playboy subscription, but I think I'd have to send that one back, or see how much some schmuck would pay for it on eBay, make up the pro-rated loss of value of my subscription for that year. If you haven't seen her naked, then give up already. Take my word for it, you've seen one rusted-out car in an alley, you've pretty much seen them all. Could have been worse, however. Playboy could have made the offer to Samantha Ronson.

The ugly...I went ahead and gave this to Gary Coleman, for his vehicular mishap. Look, hitting some anonymous asshole with your car is so last year. Notice there weren't any photographers following your every move? Go find another bullshit reality show to go hang your wee hat on, cause all the seeing over the dashboard jokes have all been done, and are best served for the elderly. Schmuck.

Catch you next week on the show...

Ah yes, I see the karma is blooming nicely this fall

While uber-douchebag OJ Simpson is used to making headlines for all manners of asinine behavior (murder?) not withstanding, one of my favorites involving the former Heisman winner, NFL star, and so-called actor was getting the boot from Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse in Louisville a while back around the time of the Kentucky Derby, this time around, the Juice got served up an ass whuppin, reportedly at the hands of his 39-year old daughter, Arnelle.

According to a report by the National Enquirer, who somehow have actually managed to gain some journalistic credibility in recent weeks, Simpson and girlfriend Christie Prody were allegedly attacked by Simpson's oldest daughter at their home in Florida last weekend, although Simpson did not want to press charges. WTF? How the hell does OJ fucking Simpson keep getting girlfriends? How the fuck does this happen? Seriously, I mean, what little self-esteem I have left is dwindling fast when THAT piece of shit can keep scoring trim, and I (hypothetically speaking, of course) couldn't get laid after feeding Paris Hilton a swimming pool full of booze. Fuck, I'm just a broke-ass loser, but I never (allegedly or otherwise) killed anybody and (ghost) wrote a "hypothetical" account of "if" I had done it. So how the hell does...aw, fuck it. I wouldn't like the answer even if anyone had an answer.

In his next starring role, Simpson goes on trial in Las Vegas September 8th, on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, related to a bruhaha with a sports memorabilia dealer last year.

Coming up on an all-new Probably Uncalled For...

Here's just a taste of what we're working on for an all-new Probably Uncalled For live tomorrow night on Blog Talk Radio: the good, the bad, and the WTF of the justice system, some wackiness from the Pope, a new greatest divorce ever, Paris Hilton (of course), Madonna, and just to keep you from getting something full-blown, the weekend box office and coming soon- How to lose your house downloading music!!! Should be more fun than a barrel of Lindsay Lohans during Fleet Week! Tomorrow night. Live. 7:00pm Eastern/4:00pm Pacific