The Daily Breakdown - 12.5.08

I could just say "finally," and get it over with, but what would be the fun in that? Thirteen years to the day O.J. got away with murder, the NFL Hall of Famer was sentenced to 15 years in prison for his role in a kidnapping and armed robbery at a Las Vegas hotel in September 2007, a half-assed attempt to regain some of the memorabilia from his football days. Simpson had been convicted on all 12 counts by a jury this last October. Simpson, who during his statement in the sentencing part of the trial, said "I'm sorry, somewhat confused," had to be thinking "but my utter douchebag of a lawyer told me I'd walk on this one too." Judge Jackie Glass, before imposing a complex sentence of consecutive and concurrent punishments, told Simpson his actions were "much more than stupidity." Simpson, who was also denied the chance to be free on bail pending appeal (like we all know he wouldn't have booked it to a non-extradition country faster than he hurdled shit in a Hertz commercial), will serve a minimum of nine years before being eligible for parole. This means he'll be at least 70 before he could see the light of day again. Here's to hoping he doesn't even make it that long, although it would be amusing to see the prison-style tabloid pics of Simpson yukking it up with his new friends and drinking some vintage homemade booze while getting some tits tattooed on his back. The Shawshank Redemption, it ain't, but nothing's too good for this douchebag.

Speaking not only of douchebags, but guys who should have been in jail a long damn time ago, Bob Novak's brain tumor, the most ironic of all afflictions HE could have suffered, was back firing on all cylinders, as during an interview with the National Ledger recently, the columnist said he would out former CIA agent Valerie Plame again if he could go back and do it all again, adding he didn't think he hurt her whatsoever. Yeah, and he's probably still in denial about running over a fellow geezer with his Corvette, too. Probably tried to pull a Cheney and make the guy he ran over apologize for fucking up his detailing. Novak's reasoning for outing Plame again, if he had it to do all over again, was that the "left" in the media and Congress had tried to "ruin" him. Yep. That's exactly like saying you ruined a turd by stepping on it. Here's to hoping that tumor gets off its lazy ass and finally sends Novak to the dumbass wing of hell, where he rightfully freakin' belongs.

So, two neighborhoods in Milwaukee are kicking around the idea of printing up their own money. My first thought, on reading this, was, WTF? Not exactly the best answer to the recession, and just how the hell are they supposed to pull this off. Running dollar bills through a photocopier and writing "The United Neighborhoods of Milwaukee" on them? Apparently, the "local" dough is an idea to increase spending at neighborhoods stores and businesses, as in an example from the story, they could trade $100 real money for $110 in local currency, basically getting a ten percent discount from the businesses taking part in the plan. Reminds me of the "coupon" bit that comedian Ron White does, talking about going to an Octoberfest in Wisconsin. Not to mention, how many local businesses are really going to get in on this? If I am to believe there will be a strip club in Milwaukee taking "coupons" for lap dances, there may finally be a realistic reason for me to go to Milwaukee, or Wisconsin period, for that matter.

Ah yes, I see the karma is blooming nicely this fall

While uber-douchebag OJ Simpson is used to making headlines for all manners of asinine behavior (murder?) not withstanding, one of my favorites involving the former Heisman winner, NFL star, and so-called actor was getting the boot from Jeff Ruby's Steakhouse in Louisville a while back around the time of the Kentucky Derby, this time around, the Juice got served up an ass whuppin, reportedly at the hands of his 39-year old daughter, Arnelle.

According to a report by the National Enquirer, who somehow have actually managed to gain some journalistic credibility in recent weeks, Simpson and girlfriend Christie Prody were allegedly attacked by Simpson's oldest daughter at their home in Florida last weekend, although Simpson did not want to press charges. WTF? How the hell does OJ fucking Simpson keep getting girlfriends? How the fuck does this happen? Seriously, I mean, what little self-esteem I have left is dwindling fast when THAT piece of shit can keep scoring trim, and I (hypothetically speaking, of course) couldn't get laid after feeding Paris Hilton a swimming pool full of booze. Fuck, I'm just a broke-ass loser, but I never (allegedly or otherwise) killed anybody and (ghost) wrote a "hypothetical" account of "if" I had done it. So how the hell does...aw, fuck it. I wouldn't like the answer even if anyone had an answer.

In his next starring role, Simpson goes on trial in Las Vegas September 8th, on charges of armed robbery and kidnapping, related to a bruhaha with a sports memorabilia dealer last year.