Every Christmas party is exactly the same.

So this past weekend my wife and I attended her work's Christmas party. All these parties are the same. Everyone starts off to themselves except for a few that have already hit the alcohol. Then the food is finally served which is the main reason I went, the free food!
Then of course after some gifts are given out and then the music starts and that's where the fun begins.
No party where there is dancing is complete without the Electric Slide and to nobodies surprise it was the fourth song played.
Of course the only people to dance to this shitfest is all the ladies, any gay men and the random straight guy that gets pulled out there by one of the hooches.
After having to endure that timeless and completely worthless dance song, up next is The Humpty Dance. This is another song no party is complete without.
Now to this songs credit, every hot chick in the place will shake their ass nicely when they hear this one drunk or not.
The evening continues with the party popular song Ride the Train. I'm betting this DJ's cd album has nothing newer than 1996 songs.
So that was it for me, after winning no gifts and listening to every song I heard at my Senior Prom in 1992 it was time to go home and come back to 2008.

The Daily Breakdown - 11.24.08

Meanwhile, as the least surprising news of the year, that the Chinese Government has a problem with the new Guns N' Roses album, Chinese Democracy, was breaking...

Ever craved a ponytail sportin', zen philosophizin', martial arts master patrollin' a beat in New Orleans? Of course you have. Maybe you didn't know it, but you were. Naturally, there's only one guy to fit that description, and after spending much of the decade languishing in direct-to-dvd movies like the ones they marathon on Spike every couple of weeks or so, Steven Seagal is set to star in his first TV project, and predictably enough, it's a reality show.

A&E is set to debut Steven Seagal: Lawman sometime in later 2009. The latest in the never-ending stream of reality television projects will follow the Under Siege star as he presumably takes care of business as a deputy with the Jefferson Parish County Sheriff's Office. It has been reported that Seagal has put in time with the county sheriff's office off and on across two decades as a fully commissioned deputy, including assisting with recovery efforts following Hurricane Katrina. But hey, as it's also a reality show, it can't all be Seagal handcuffing domestic violence suspects and taking on an entire bar full of stereotypical thugs, the show will also cover his musical and philanthropic pursuits while in the area.

A singing, ass-whooping lawman? Shit, this would have made a great western, if not for the whole ponytail thing and all...

Meanwhile, one again, we find proof that there isn't usually any dignity in death. Benjamin Collen, a 19-year-old Illinois Institute of Technology sophomore, was found dead in his fraternity house Saturday of asphyxia from inhaling nitrous oxide from a whipped cream container. Yeah. You read that right. Someone died from freaking whippets. Collen, a sophomore biomedical engineering major from Lincolnwood, was discovered Saturday night in a storage room in the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity house on campus, after being missing for eight days, with nitrous oxide cylinders found near his body.

Nitrous oxide, often called "laughing gas," is used as an anesthetic and as a foaming agent for whipped cream canisters. The IIT chapter of Alpha Sigma Phi was in good standing and no disciplinary action will be taken against the fraternity due to the accidental nature of Collen's death. I guess that storage room was not used for liquor, as there is no damn way it would have stayed unchecked for eight days.

Now, if someone would just do a few whippets, listen to Chinese Democracy, and pick a fight with Steven Seagal somewhere, I'd have a really awesome way to end this column today...

Your weekend in entertainment news: Could someone please repo Paris Hilton's SAG card?

Pop singer Pink, whose music I sort of consider a guilty pleasure, passed along the details of an alleged argument she had with alleged musician John Mayer recently, after the douchebag reportedly made the comment that he "only shags really stupid women." Really? Good fucking thing I had not previously confused Jessica Simpson and Cameron Diaz as intellectual beacons in the entertainment industry. And honestly..."shag?" I know Mayer's an insufferable schmuck and all, but don't you think one of the fabulous people he bends over a couch somewhere would bother telling him the whole "Austin Powers" thing has faded from the pop culture jargon here in the past few years? Seriously, can't this idiot die in a plane crash, or a drug overdose, or from rough sex gone bad in some hotel room with a flock of third world hustlers?

In her recent interview with Britain's The Sun, Pink went on to say she "doesn't believe him as much as he believes him." Not only is that fairly amusing, but pretty on the mark, given Mayer's reputation for having a much, read MUCH, higher opinion of himself than really anybody on the planet, other than his gaggle of douchebag fans. Only Dane Cook baffles me more for being famous with little to no discernible talent whatsoever. Then again, in fairness to Mayer, at least he writes his own material, which is more than I can say for a good portion of Cook's alleged stand-up routine.

But what I would like to know, is how is Jennifer Aniston handling her new-found, and as rumored, recently regained status as one of the "really stupid women?" Guess we'll find out whenever a sex tape surfaces...

...Meanwhile, as Pink was dragging John Mayer's dumb ass through the mud for his supposed fuckery, Tara Reid reared her ugly from the neck down, commenting that she would never do Playboy, in an interview with People magazine. Has People run out of shit to write about? What in the name of holy damn is Tara Reid doing these days that would interest anybody, let alone the readers of People, despite the fact the readers of People would be fascinated by the bowel movement trends of celebrities even further down on the food chain that Tara Reid?

Reid, in the course of her interview, told the magazine that the only person who sees her naked is her boyfriend, who "thinks I'm sexy, and that's all I care about." Isn't that fucking special? The D-list celebrities always get the sweetest boyfriends, don't they? She'd better hope the royalties don't dry up anytime soon. I'm just saying. Not to mention, how is it that the people who have legitimately NO shot at gracing the pages of Playboy, unless fully clothed,are the first to insist they would NEVER pose for the legendary periodical? Last time I heard, and in the interest of full disclosure, I am a Playboy subscriber, they were most assuredly NOT interested in having her mangled ass do a spread. I would even be so bold as to suggest that even Penthouse and Hustler would not consider it, not even for a split second.

Go have another cocktail, hang out with that boyfriend who must dig you a lot more with the lights off, and leave the interviews off your list. I'm glad you know there are problems with your stomach. We're ALL glad you know that, cause quite frankly, we're tired as fuck of hearing about it, and especially seeing it. For someone who has a problem with the way her stomach looks, don't you think you could find a shirt that doesn't quite draw attention to your B-grade plastic surgery mishaps, which you call your "battle wounds." "Battle wounds?" Maybe that's what caused the problem. What the fuck, did you pick a fight with the plastic surgeon in the middle of the fucking procedure? Fucking dolt...

...Yeah, I hear ya. It has been a bit since I had anything nasty to write about busted-ass skidro Paris Hilton. Been a busy time for me, what with the election and everything. But rest soundly, my faithful readers...America's favorite cockstainer is back...AND WITH A NEW MOVIE!!! I'm sure you have been anticipating this as much as I have, if only to rip her on it, cause you know I have absolutely NO interest whatsoever in seeing it. More disclosure here, people: I have only sat through one Paris Hilton movie in its entirety, and that was House of Wax. Yes, to answer your first question, I do still feel it when it comes onto rain. To answer your second question, yes, I have seen parts of One Night in Paris, and no, I have not seen the infamous sex tape all the way through. I saw just enough, through web clips, to show that only with Paris Hilton could one become famous with a sex tape, and not even look like she knows how to suck a dick. Only in America, and only with Paris Hilton.

But now she's supposedly a singer, and an actress, and with Repo! The Genetic Opera, which opened this last Friday, now being inflicted upon unsuspecting theatergoers, the legacy continues. Early reviews are in, and unsurprisingly, they are less than kind. Why then, I wonder, do studios keep giving her a shot? Doesn't Repo! now hit the list as the second, third, or maybe even fourth movie Hilton has done that has been described as "easily one of the worst movies of the year, if not all time?" God knows I was just as curious as you were, so it was off to IMDB.com, which not only lists Hilton's other infamous movie from this year, The Hottie and the Nottie as the #15 worst movie of all-time (it was previously gracing the #1 spot until Disaster Movie came along) and her 2006 celluloid abortion Pledge This! (also known as National Lampoon's Pledge This!), which is currently listed as the 9th worst movie of all-time, but also her flick The Hillz (2004), which is currently racking up 24th worst movie honors. Three and now possibly a fourth mishap residing in the Bottom 100 movies of all-time? What a resume. We're talking about stuff ranked below Manos: The Hands of Fate, Glitter, Gigli, and even From Justin to Kelly. From Justin to Kelly, for fuck's sake!

I would say this is what the studios get for involving someone who wasn't even very convincing as an accidental porn actress, but then again, I'm not saying anything you don't already know. To further complicate matters, it seems as though the only reason she was in the movie was to piggyback it to notice, if not fame. LA Times critic Mark Olsen noted this, as he writes Hilton is "never glimpsed in anything but brief, fleeting shots and her hoarse bark of a singing voice is used as little as possible."

I, for one, will not lose any sleep over missing the experience of witnessing this steamer, in theaters, on DVD, or even on an airplane. Sometimes, there's a lot to be said for not liking to fly. That said, I'd rather be in a 747 plummeting to earth than waste a minute, a second, a dollar, or a dime on a Paris Hilton project.

Rudy Ray Moore 1927-2008

We were all saddened here at Free Rein Media to learn of the passing away of legendary singer, actor, and comedian Rudy Ray Moore yesterday, at his home in Toledo, Ohio, from complications of diabetes at the age of 81.

Moore, who released albums as far back as 1959, with several hitting the Top 40 or higher on the Billboard charts, is widely considered one of the first "X" rated comedians. Earning the title "King of the Party Records," Moore recorded his comedy albums at his home, bringing over friends for drinks, with an engineer to record the evening. Many of his albums charted despite being available only from behind record store counters, in a plain brown rapper.



It was with his first film, the self-financed Dolemite in 1975, that Moore would become an icon, with the cult classic still selling and renting heavily to this day. The film features, in my humble opinion, one of the greatest lines of dialogue ever ("I'm so bad, I kick my own ass twice a day!"). The Dolemite character would return in The Human Tornado (1976) and most recently in 2007's The Dolemite Explosion.


original theatrical trailer for Dolemite

Moore, who continued to appear in movies, animated projects, and CDs until health problems set in, was a tremendous influence on both myself, my long-time friend and collaborator, ppdingles, and more comedians, rappers, singers, and artists than I can count. He will be missed.