The Daily Breakdown - 11.24.08

Meanwhile, as the least surprising news of the year, that the Chinese Government has a problem with the new Guns N' Roses album, Chinese Democracy, was breaking...

Ever craved a ponytail sportin', zen philosophizin', martial arts master patrollin' a beat in New Orleans? Of course you have. Maybe you didn't know it, but you were. Naturally, there's only one guy to fit that description, and after spending much of the decade languishing in direct-to-dvd movies like the ones they marathon on Spike every couple of weeks or so, Steven Seagal is set to star in his first TV project, and predictably enough, it's a reality show.

A&E is set to debut Steven Seagal: Lawman sometime in later 2009. The latest in the never-ending stream of reality television projects will follow the Under Siege star as he presumably takes care of business as a deputy with the Jefferson Parish County Sheriff's Office. It has been reported that Seagal has put in time with the county sheriff's office off and on across two decades as a fully commissioned deputy, including assisting with recovery efforts following Hurricane Katrina. But hey, as it's also a reality show, it can't all be Seagal handcuffing domestic violence suspects and taking on an entire bar full of stereotypical thugs, the show will also cover his musical and philanthropic pursuits while in the area.

A singing, ass-whooping lawman? Shit, this would have made a great western, if not for the whole ponytail thing and all...

Meanwhile, one again, we find proof that there isn't usually any dignity in death. Benjamin Collen, a 19-year-old Illinois Institute of Technology sophomore, was found dead in his fraternity house Saturday of asphyxia from inhaling nitrous oxide from a whipped cream container. Yeah. You read that right. Someone died from freaking whippets. Collen, a sophomore biomedical engineering major from Lincolnwood, was discovered Saturday night in a storage room in the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity house on campus, after being missing for eight days, with nitrous oxide cylinders found near his body.

Nitrous oxide, often called "laughing gas," is used as an anesthetic and as a foaming agent for whipped cream canisters. The IIT chapter of Alpha Sigma Phi was in good standing and no disciplinary action will be taken against the fraternity due to the accidental nature of Collen's death. I guess that storage room was not used for liquor, as there is no damn way it would have stayed unchecked for eight days.

Now, if someone would just do a few whippets, listen to Chinese Democracy, and pick a fight with Steven Seagal somewhere, I'd have a really awesome way to end this column today...

Yarg. Taking damaged goods to new heights

Yep...the next Batman flick is really gonna suffer if this is the best they can do for a new Joker...

In Australia on a press junket for her latest crime against TV, Pam: Gaping Snatch on the Loose, Anderson showed that, in fact, the damage from the neck up may be just as bad as the Superfund site below the waist she occasionally manages to hide from the public.

I mean, seriously, WTF? Is she planning on playing Tammy Faye Baker Messner in a made-for-TV biopic or something? Must be a lot of near-sighted sheiks in the Middle East.

Tonight, on Probably Uncalled For...

Join us on the show tonight, now at our new time of 7pm Eastern/4pm Pacific, as we'll be duct taping to a chair, then interrogating thusly some WrestleMania 24, the moron-colored glasses the NYPD is wearing once every four years, the series finale of Jericho tonight (fucking CBS...unoriginal fucks wasted no time in announcing another couple reality shows, did they?), the debate over whether or not ankles exist (really, this is going on in real life), Kirstie Alley, quite possibly a debate over whether or not Kirstie Alley's ankles exist, a Keister/Mays '08 update, and all the other To Be Announced you need to get through Humpday tomorrow.