Your weekend in entertainment news: Could someone please repo Paris Hilton's SAG card?

Pop singer Pink, whose music I sort of consider a guilty pleasure, passed along the details of an alleged argument she had with alleged musician John Mayer recently, after the douchebag reportedly made the comment that he "only shags really stupid women." Really? Good fucking thing I had not previously confused Jessica Simpson and Cameron Diaz as intellectual beacons in the entertainment industry. And honestly..."shag?" I know Mayer's an insufferable schmuck and all, but don't you think one of the fabulous people he bends over a couch somewhere would bother telling him the whole "Austin Powers" thing has faded from the pop culture jargon here in the past few years? Seriously, can't this idiot die in a plane crash, or a drug overdose, or from rough sex gone bad in some hotel room with a flock of third world hustlers?

In her recent interview with Britain's The Sun, Pink went on to say she "doesn't believe him as much as he believes him." Not only is that fairly amusing, but pretty on the mark, given Mayer's reputation for having a much, read MUCH, higher opinion of himself than really anybody on the planet, other than his gaggle of douchebag fans. Only Dane Cook baffles me more for being famous with little to no discernible talent whatsoever. Then again, in fairness to Mayer, at least he writes his own material, which is more than I can say for a good portion of Cook's alleged stand-up routine.

But what I would like to know, is how is Jennifer Aniston handling her new-found, and as rumored, recently regained status as one of the "really stupid women?" Guess we'll find out whenever a sex tape surfaces...

...Meanwhile, as Pink was dragging John Mayer's dumb ass through the mud for his supposed fuckery, Tara Reid reared her ugly from the neck down, commenting that she would never do Playboy, in an interview with People magazine. Has People run out of shit to write about? What in the name of holy damn is Tara Reid doing these days that would interest anybody, let alone the readers of People, despite the fact the readers of People would be fascinated by the bowel movement trends of celebrities even further down on the food chain that Tara Reid?

Reid, in the course of her interview, told the magazine that the only person who sees her naked is her boyfriend, who "thinks I'm sexy, and that's all I care about." Isn't that fucking special? The D-list celebrities always get the sweetest boyfriends, don't they? She'd better hope the royalties don't dry up anytime soon. I'm just saying. Not to mention, how is it that the people who have legitimately NO shot at gracing the pages of Playboy, unless fully clothed,are the first to insist they would NEVER pose for the legendary periodical? Last time I heard, and in the interest of full disclosure, I am a Playboy subscriber, they were most assuredly NOT interested in having her mangled ass do a spread. I would even be so bold as to suggest that even Penthouse and Hustler would not consider it, not even for a split second.

Go have another cocktail, hang out with that boyfriend who must dig you a lot more with the lights off, and leave the interviews off your list. I'm glad you know there are problems with your stomach. We're ALL glad you know that, cause quite frankly, we're tired as fuck of hearing about it, and especially seeing it. For someone who has a problem with the way her stomach looks, don't you think you could find a shirt that doesn't quite draw attention to your B-grade plastic surgery mishaps, which you call your "battle wounds." "Battle wounds?" Maybe that's what caused the problem. What the fuck, did you pick a fight with the plastic surgeon in the middle of the fucking procedure? Fucking dolt...

...Yeah, I hear ya. It has been a bit since I had anything nasty to write about busted-ass skidro Paris Hilton. Been a busy time for me, what with the election and everything. But rest soundly, my faithful readers...America's favorite cockstainer is back...AND WITH A NEW MOVIE!!! I'm sure you have been anticipating this as much as I have, if only to rip her on it, cause you know I have absolutely NO interest whatsoever in seeing it. More disclosure here, people: I have only sat through one Paris Hilton movie in its entirety, and that was House of Wax. Yes, to answer your first question, I do still feel it when it comes onto rain. To answer your second question, yes, I have seen parts of One Night in Paris, and no, I have not seen the infamous sex tape all the way through. I saw just enough, through web clips, to show that only with Paris Hilton could one become famous with a sex tape, and not even look like she knows how to suck a dick. Only in America, and only with Paris Hilton.

But now she's supposedly a singer, and an actress, and with Repo! The Genetic Opera, which opened this last Friday, now being inflicted upon unsuspecting theatergoers, the legacy continues. Early reviews are in, and unsurprisingly, they are less than kind. Why then, I wonder, do studios keep giving her a shot? Doesn't Repo! now hit the list as the second, third, or maybe even fourth movie Hilton has done that has been described as "easily one of the worst movies of the year, if not all time?" God knows I was just as curious as you were, so it was off to IMDB.com, which not only lists Hilton's other infamous movie from this year, The Hottie and the Nottie as the #15 worst movie of all-time (it was previously gracing the #1 spot until Disaster Movie came along) and her 2006 celluloid abortion Pledge This! (also known as National Lampoon's Pledge This!), which is currently listed as the 9th worst movie of all-time, but also her flick The Hillz (2004), which is currently racking up 24th worst movie honors. Three and now possibly a fourth mishap residing in the Bottom 100 movies of all-time? What a resume. We're talking about stuff ranked below Manos: The Hands of Fate, Glitter, Gigli, and even From Justin to Kelly. From Justin to Kelly, for fuck's sake!

I would say this is what the studios get for involving someone who wasn't even very convincing as an accidental porn actress, but then again, I'm not saying anything you don't already know. To further complicate matters, it seems as though the only reason she was in the movie was to piggyback it to notice, if not fame. LA Times critic Mark Olsen noted this, as he writes Hilton is "never glimpsed in anything but brief, fleeting shots and her hoarse bark of a singing voice is used as little as possible."

I, for one, will not lose any sleep over missing the experience of witnessing this steamer, in theaters, on DVD, or even on an airplane. Sometimes, there's a lot to be said for not liking to fly. That said, I'd rather be in a 747 plummeting to earth than waste a minute, a second, a dollar, or a dime on a Paris Hilton project.