The Daily Breakdown - 11.21.08

KISS co-founder and bassist Gene Simmons is a little pissed that once again, the band is not on the short list for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and honest to God, who can blame him? The band's been around since 1974, sold well over 100 million albums, and have influenced an untold number of bands. For crap's sake, even country artists have done covers of KISS hits from years' past. Yet, even Blondie is in the Hall of Fame and "The Hottest Band in the Land" isn't. I know there's a bit of stuff already heaped on President-elect Barack Obama's plate, but at the rate this is going, can we ask for an executive order, since apparently the hall of fame's foundation and it chair, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner will consider any musical act on earth before they will consider KISS, and what a travesty. The inductees will be announced in January, with the induction ceremony in Cleveland on April 4. Simmons, while speaking at the recent Billboard Touring Conference, had this to say about the higher-ups in the hall of fame foundation, saying "A lot of those guys on the board can go and get my sandwich when I want, and I mean that in the nicest way." Not that I presume to be qualified to dish advice to Gene Simmons, but seeing how these guys apparently view your band, do you really want them handling your food?...

Since the subject of touring came up, here comes Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, whom you know as the band doing their level-headed best to reinvent the concept of "cookie-cutter" acts. Don't look at me that way. I like some of their songs, but overall, if you have one single by Nickelback on your mp3, you pretty much have the entire band's catalogue. Kroeger bemoaned the "lack of decent rock bands" in a recent interview, adding "Set down the 'Guitar Hero' learn how to play an actual guitar and start a band, because it's hard to find more bands to put a solid rock-and-roll package together." Um...yeah...sounds like someone's pissed cause more people aren't playing their songs on the game. Look, Chad, I can't help it I would much rather prefer to jam on Anarchy in the UK when I play Guitar Hero, but that's no reason to start shilling for a credit card company. Besides, lighten up...the way the music industry has apparently went, you'll be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before KISS, and again I say, what a travesty. Now shut up and go change the name of all your songs for a new album...

Meanwhile, in Switzerland, controversy is flaring, albeit in small doses, over new requirements for those being drafted by the Swiss army. Drinkers, pot smokers, and those used to rollin' on some phat X while waving glow sticks around like some real stupid motherfucker? Yeah, you're good, although no mention was made as to whether or not new conscripts had to bring enough for everybody. Who isn't the Swiss army looking for? Skinny motherfuckers and vegans. Yep, you read that right. Under the new rules, those who eat no animal products or weigh less than 8 stone (however much the fuck that is) are apparently not fit for service. Swiss politician Josef Lang weighted in by cracking that "half the male population will now become vegans.” Hey, why not? Hell of a lot easier than hightailing it to Canada. Also, what the fuck does the Swiss army even do, guard the pocket knifes, chocolates, and clocks? No, seriously...what do they do?...

And of course, what good would I be if I didn't chime in on the unfortunate Sarah Palin-Slaughterhouse interview debacle from the other day? As everyone on the fucking planet is aware of by now, utterly clueless Alaska Governor Sarah Palin took time from her busy schedule of planning Bristol's shotgun wedding and reading every publication printed in the known universe to "pardon" a turkey in her hometown of Wasilla. Funny, for someone who probably still doesn't know what the hell the Vice-President's job description is, she has the whole "pardon the turkey for Thanksgiving" thing down, just like she's practicing to be President herself one day, right? Wrong. After pardoning the gobbler, she proceeded to give an interview, because if there is anything Palin loves more than animals (she even called herself a "friend of all creatures," but did not elaborate if that included those you could shoot from a helicopter), it is the sound of her own voice. Ask her, and she'll even be the first to tell you, if she understands the question, that is. Damn media and such.

Only problem? The only people in Alaska that may be even less competent than Sarah Palin would appear to be her handlers. As Palin was gumbumping for the cameras, the scene right behind her was even more grisly, and that is a feat in its own. After pardoning the turkey, she went right on grinning as the also-rans were fed to the machine, bwah ha ha! Palin has since reverted to her second favorite activity, feigning ignorance, saying that she had no idea that was going on behind her, even though the much played video shows her at one point looking over at the guy taking care of future dinners across the state. Of course, that leaves the debate wide open as to whether or not she's feigning the ignorance, but I'll have to leave that for later.

While I'm not exactly counting anybody out of contention in 2012, I will say Sarah Palin is already on my short list for NOT having a shot at the White House in '12, but to be fair, she is also on my short list as having a really good shot at winning the Presidency in the crucial election the day after hell freezes right the fuck over.