Thoughts on Probably Uncalled For #66

Amazing. Less than two months to go before the 2008 Presidential election, and somehow, we still have 3,000 days left of this shit. Pitbulls, soccer moms, pigs, lipstick, pregnant teenagers, unknown number of houses one own, "secret" Muslims, sexism, racism, experience, inexperience, and that's just scratching the surface, what with volumes of asshat behavior from Sarah Palin's past coming public on a daily basis. Is this an election, or the season of Dallas they couldn't fucking air? As both a talk show host and a avid blogger/commentator, this kind of bullshit makes me wish Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears would go back to being daily public dumbasses. Where the fuck are the paparazzi when you need them?...

...I'm not surprised there is an emerging drug problem in the world of sumo wrestling. Every sport has/will have their scandals eventually, and the law of averages says sooner or later, one of those scandals is going to be drugs. I guess this may, in fact, be the only sport on Earth in which marijuana is a performance enhancer. Probably nothing more self-destructive, I imagine, than a speed freak sumo wrestler. Allow me to play devil's advocate for the sumos. They are a proud athlete, with the sport going back nearly 2,000 years. This is like religion in Japan, and a major reason American-style professional wrestling is hugely popular there, as well. For many professional wrestlers out there (myself and my show's co host, included) who get irritated as hell when we see or hear about "backyard" wrestling promotions, so I can only begin to imagine what these poor guys feel when they see a bunch of half-shitfaced frat boys in the sumo suits, looking like half-shitface sumo action figures having seizures. They must need something to fill that hole in their soul that four fried chickens and a coke just won't. Don't get me wrong, the four fried chickens and the coke's gonna happen, we all know that, all I am asking is won't somebody please think of the sumos?...

...got quite a bit of amusement when we got to the story on hookers in Sweden wanting to pay taxes on their earnings. Can't find any cons on this, or any rational reason to disagree, cause God knows the arguments against this are ludicrous, but I can't help but think somehow the whole joke about "twenty bucks, same as in town," are going to become a thing of the past, cause now you''' think about this, then try to calculate the exchange rate, which somehow will lead to figuring in gratuity (15%, ya cheap bastard) plus sales tax. (On average, using exchange rates current as this is written, this" $20 bucks same as in town," will run ya 165 Swedish Kronors), and by the time you're through with that cerebral mess, the moment has passed. Far and away...

already mentioned Britney Spears once in this column. That's the limit. Not like the MTV Video Music Awards fucking matter to anyone, anywhere, anymore...

...next time Oasis is performing, and a fan wants to kick one of the Gallagher brothers' asses, I can only hope they either get the job done with whichever douchebag they pick (or get to first), or the roadies, people attending (I refuse to believe there are actually fans of Oasis left at this point), and even the rest of the band say to hell with it and sit back and watch the beat down...

The good...Al Franken winning his Senate primary in Minnesota on Tuesday. Now, for the general election, where the former SNL writer will face incumbent Senator Norm Coleman (R) and former U.S Senator (appointed by then-Gov. Ventura) Dean Barkley, running for the Independence Party.

The bad...Lindsay Lohan turning down a $700,000 offer from Playboy to pose for a spread. I know I trashed this out on the show, and rightfully so, but let me explain why I've given this the "bad" for the week so far. While the idea of paying someone like Lohan any kind of folding money to flash her damaged goods is an automatic bad, as is people paying for the...ahem...opportunity to see it (doesn't anyone have the Internet? I mean, for fuck's sake, who hasn't seen Lindsay Lohan naked?) I have a Playboy subscription, but I think I'd have to send that one back, or see how much some schmuck would pay for it on eBay, make up the pro-rated loss of value of my subscription for that year. If you haven't seen her naked, then give up already. Take my word for it, you've seen one rusted-out car in an alley, you've pretty much seen them all. Could have been worse, however. Playboy could have made the offer to Samantha Ronson.

The ugly...I went ahead and gave this to Gary Coleman, for his vehicular mishap. Look, hitting some anonymous asshole with your car is so last year. Notice there weren't any photographers following your every move? Go find another bullshit reality show to go hang your wee hat on, cause all the seeing over the dashboard jokes have all been done, and are best served for the elderly. Schmuck.

Catch you next week on the show...

Odds and ends from the wrestling world this week

In a recent interview with The Sun in Britain, WWE attorney Peter McDevitt spoke out on the lawsuit being brought by former WWE talent Raven, Chris Kanyon, and Mike Sanders (yes, I know I'm using the term talent loosely here, in regards to Raven). McDevitt dismissed the merits of the suit, as all WWE performers agree to independent contractor status when they slap their autograph on the dotted line, meaning that, among other things, they bear responsibility for their health benefits. McDevitt also added that the Internal Revenue Service had never taken issue with World Wrestling Entertainment over the status of their contracted in-ring talent.


But that's okay, let the marks weigh in, too. I mean, what the hell does a guy who went to law school know? Some rocket surgeon let loose with this misguided pearl of wisdom: "Vince should guarantee all his full-time wrestlers have healthcare, for God's sake."


Sigh. This is what happens when marks and the Internet collide, everybody becomes an insider. To get an excellent take on providing health benefits for professional fighters (don't roll your eyes at me, there are still states that insist on licensing pro wrestling, regardless of whether or not kayfabe is obvious to anyone not in the gorilla position), read UFC head Dana White's interview in the September 2008 Playboy, where he uses opening a yogurt shop as a comparison. As a small business owner, I can tell you first-hand that the costs of providing healthcare for any number of employees is or can be a major chunk of operating capital, and a large reason a lot of businesses either fail or simply do not provide benefits at all. Try calling up a few insurance companies, and tell them you are trying to get a flock of pro wrestlers insured, and see what kind of response, other than a sudden dial tone in your ear, you get. Then look at your original argument again, and tell me how stupid it looks in the big picture.


That is not to say WWE does not watch their workers' backs when the fit hits the shan, but on a simple cost-effective basis, you will never see WWE, TNA, UFC, EliteXC, IFL, or any boxing federation start handing out Blue Cross Blue Shield cards backstage. It's okay to be a mark, but before you start telling people how to run their business, maybe try getting a business degree or a basic understanding of how the industry (and by industry, I mean the business behind the business of professional wrestling) works first.

xxx

Word from South of the border is that Shane McMahon went to talk turkey with Mexican cable channels Televisa and TV Azteca, pitching deals to get WWE programming on the air, however, when all was said and done, no agreement was reached. Quite frankly, this leaves me scratching my head. While it is disappointing (for the Mexicans) that WWE programming has yet to fully invade their country, the flip side of the coin is true here in the United States. My cable provider offers Univision, and I believe Telemundo for a brief spell a couple years back, there is a woeful lack of Lucha Libre action available...and on a Spanish-language network, to boot! Granted, unless you paid a lot more attention in your high school Spanish classes than I did, the promos won't make a lick of sense, but wrestling's a universal language! BRING ME INSANE MASKED MEXICAN WRESTLING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

xxx

Ugh. Watching the Summerslam rematch between MVP and Jeff Harvey (yes, it's intentional) on Smackdown!, and it occurs to me that sometimes, I really miss the XFL. It was a lot less grating on the nerves to listen to Jim Ross hyperbole away on how every other move "was an XFL-style kick/punch/insert move here," than it is to listen to him gush all over the headset each and every week about how Harvey (still intentional) is the greatest thing since sliced came in bread form.

How Jeff Harvey (I'm not gonna spell it right...just don't care) still ranks the push he gets from WWE creative is the real enigma. He has a lousy work ethic. Pay attention, I mean real good and close attention to any match he works...he blows at least three spots in each and every one. Without fail. If you at home are anything like me, you're just placing bets on when that bright and shining day arrives when racks up his third and final wellness program strike. Although, something also tells me TNA would sign him back in a heartbeat, which may be an even bigger disappointment than the WWE giving Ron Killings a second go-around.