Tonight, on an all-new Probably Uncalled For...

Come join Dr. Thomas Keister and "The Internet Legend," ppdingles tonight on an all-new episode of Probably Uncalled For, LIVE as always on Blog Talk Radio! Tonight, they'll be discussing more great moments for government, the continued embarassment of the GOP by the GOP and most assuredly FOR the GOP, more great moments for education, an unbelieveable piece from Illinois - if you are a single parent, you HAVE to hear this!, and all the pop culture, entertainment, and other topics TBA you hinge the rest of your week on!

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You can either drink space beer, or pour it on your burning apartment...

Space beer? Kind of. Mentioned around the Internet, the beer was made from barley grown on the International Space Station in 2006, so it's actually a terrestrial brew, although I suppose you could argue it was made from "space-age" materials. My first thought on reading this was "well, they need something to wash the taste of recycled urine from their mouths, so more power to them," so you could imagine my disappointment for the crew on the ISS when it was revealed the beer, a joint effort of the Russian Academy of Science, Japanese brewer Sapporo, and a Japanese university, was concocted here on Earth. I mean, come on, you guys built a space station, and you can't even sneak some spare parts up there to make a still?

While I find great fun on my talk show of poking fun at the United Kingdom, notably Britain, for some of the incredibly stupid things they do, usually under the more-than-watchful gaze of the government, sometimes stories slip through the cracks on me, and I have to play catch-up. The town of Bournemouth, back in March of this year, took the extraordinary step of banning fire extinguishers from apartment complexes, calling them a safety hazard. But of course.

This move has created a square dance of sorts between several government agencies in Britain, as first, Dorset Fire and Rescue defended the idea, saying new building regulations mean every escape route should be completely fireproof. Oh, really? Well then, riddle me this, dumbass firefighters...if the escape routes are supposed to be completely fireproof, then how come the entire fucking building cannot be completely fireproof. Oh, that's right, then you'd be out of a job. Not to mention, what the hell is Dorset Fire and Rescue so freakin worried about? Last time I checked, they get paid no matter what they do, and it's not like someone putting out a kitchen fire gets paid for the effort.

The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents backed the move as well, using the "different types of extinguishers for different types of fires" argument, apparently having never heard of fucking ABC extinguishers. Then again, with the number of security cameras proliferating across England, it kind of makes sense when you think about it, as after all, government officials should know about the fire before even the people in the apartment complex do.

Stepping above the fray, the Department for Communities and Local Government said this was not going to result in the removal of fire extinguishers, saying that "fire and safety regulations make clear that appropriate safety be provided." Well, at least somebody is thinking with the north end of their bodies, although I guess the case could be made that if their asses were on fire and their heads were catching, there would still be a debate of some sort...

The Daily Breakdown - 12.2.08

So, according to all the cable and network news sources, the United States is now "officially" in a recession, and has been for about a year now. Absolutely fucking fascinating. Yeah, making it "official," that was the key...now everybody is going to figure it out. We've known this for months, as the housing market was bottoming out, as every arrogant banking group was lining up to get a bailout so they could keep their big-time salaries, bonuses, and stadium naming rights. Yeah, things might have been rough, but now it's "official," so NOW we can say comfortably that the economy is spiraling down the porcelain? You may now facepalm thusly.

In somewhat related news, Ford CEO Alan Mulally, Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli, and GM CEO Rick Wagoner all announced they would work for $1 a year as they approach Congress with their new plan to beg for a $25 billion bailout. How droll. Maybe they should have taken this dramatic bullshit gesture well before the car went off the cliff, pun intended. Even now, a buck a year is overpriced for these three men, and the bottom line is any bailout, in addition to actual honest-to-god oversight (like any of us expect THAT to happen), the bailout needs to include the resignation of all three men, with replacement scouting to take place somewhere in the incorporated city limits of competence.

Meanwhile, it was reported by British news that President-elect Obama is buying his wife a $30,000 diamond ring. Puppy be damned, pal...how bad did you fuck up to warrant that?

It was announced today that even more material was being made public from the Nixon administration, shedding more light on Watergate and Vietnam, among other things. The release consists of 200 hours of audiotape and more than 90,000 pages of documents from 1972-74. Holy cow, this guy releases more posthumous material than Jimi Hendrix. At the rate this is going, we should have a better picture of the scope of Dubya's dry fisting of this country sometime in 2071...

Meanwhile, a trio of enterprising people in Ohio found themselves in hot water after a raffle went bust. Christopher S. Johnson, 33, an academic adviser at OSU's School of Nursing, Rusty Blades, 42, a real estate agent, and Vanise Dunn, 31, an employee of Franklin County Children Services and apparent part-time prostitute, were all nabbed after putting together the raffle, at $10 a ticket, on Craigslist, to spend an evening with a prostitute. Even sadder is the fact that Dunn has been employed as a child sex-abuse caseworker with Franklin County Children Services since 2000. Fuck, man, doesn't that job pay anything? Johnson was charged with promoting prostitution and given $25,000 bail. Blades, who was providing the house where the "prize" was to be collected, with also charged with promoting prostitution and given $50,000 bail. Dunn, who was named as the prize, was charged November 12 with allegedly soliciting a vice detective in a presumably different incident. Not that I'm against entrepreneurship or anything like that, but the most outrageous part of this is the idea that Dunn is on paid leave since her arrest, while the agency looks into whether Dunn violated any of its policies. What in the name of holy damn is there to figure out? You got someone charged with at least one sex crime, albeit the lowest level possible, realistically, and you're still letting her draw a paycheck as a sex abuse caseworker, for children?

The Daily Breakdown - 12.1.08

Meanwhile, as I was wondering if anyone would manage to get trampled during "Cyber Monday," the big online shopping day following Black Friday...

MSNBC mentioned Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin campaigning for Senator and well-known douchebag Saxby Chambliss today in Georgia, where Chambliss faces Democrat Jim Martin in a runoff election tomorrow. The headline at the bottom of the screen proclaimed "Palin on the stump again." My first thought? Palin on the stump again? That's a heck of a thing to say about Todd, and I wonder when the next trophy child will be unloosed upon us...

With a story breaking over the weekend that Britain is actually the most promiscuous countries in the world, I was glad to get a little cause and effect story to balance everything out this morning, as another study showed that many major supermarket chains are charging rock bottom prices, no pun intended, for alcohol than for bottled water and in a few instances, even less than a bottle of Coke. Alcohol is now almost 70% cheaper now, based on income, than it was in 1980, with some items going for 40% less than the suggested retail price. Wow. I think we finally have an answer as to why hook-ups occur in supermarkets as opposed to bars. Not to mention, the overall bravery of the British people, as readily available cheap booze combined with promiscuity simply increases the odds of winding up in the sack with Amy Winehouse. I'd rather play Russian roulette than take the chance on waking up next to Amy Winehouse, because honestly people, who has the time to gnaw their arm off at the shoulder at that hour of the morning?...

Now that we are neck deep in the holiday season, let the dumbass "war on Christmas" stories and PC holiday "traditions" flood our news markets. In Olympia, Washington, the Christmas tree (or Holiday tree, or Xmas shrub, or whatever the hell you wanna call it) will share space with not only a Christian nativity scene, but a billboard from an atheist group. Normally, there is also a menorah included to recognize Hanukkah, but so far, no requests have been made to include one this year.

The billboard, sponsored by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, will read
"Religion is but myth and superstition that hardens hearts and enslaves minds." Fair enough, I suppose, and maybe even true enough, if you take enough time to study the issue and come to your own conclusion, but what struck me as stupid was the statement by Annie Laurie Gaylor, the foundation's co-president, that the sign is a reminder of the "real reason for the season, the winter solstice."

Uh, yeah...about that...not that I am a giant fan of the holiday season by any stretch of the imagination, that statement is just ludicrous. Yes, I am well aware that the winter solstice marks the beginning of winter, but let me ponder, when have I ever seen a "Winter Solstice Sale," or a winter solstice tree, or the winter solstice tradition of cramming "A Christmas Story" or "It's a Wonderful Life" down our throats, or heard the godawful winter solstice music? Oh, yeah...never have. I can fully get behind separating religion from those who may not want a public spectacle made of it every fucking year, but a Christmas tree hardly fucking qualifies. There is Christmas, which some choose to celebrate as a religious holiday, and yet others still who use it to its materialistic breaking point. Why not crusade for something that means something real, like poverty, or injustice, or something rather than self-importance for six weeks out of the year?

You may think I'm being harsh, or reactionary, or whatever the buzzword is this year, but ask yourself...where are all the protesters like Annie Laurie Gaylor come summer solstice?...yep, that what I thought...

Watching our language

Words, a simple five letter word, that whether or not you are aware of it, has been a part of your entire life. You learn young what words are acceptable and what words are not. The first you learn not to say are the "dirty four-letter" words. Doesn't it strike you as strange that most of the bad words consist of only four letters?

Lately, though, there has been a seven letter word, that is in the news frequently, and somehow has even been granted "word of the year" status, despite it being dirtier in its own way than any four letter word previously coined. The word is bailout! I could think of several that could be used in its place- bonus, handout, giveaway, charity- you get the drift. This country is in really sad shape when it starts rewarding its failures- be they in business or government.

Cases in point, AIG bailed out- business as usual, with all the luxury perks like big salaries, bonuses, etc. Citigroup- still gets to sponsor big-time college football games and keep their $400 million deal to name the new stadium where the Mets will play, along with the big salaries and bonuses and so on and so forth.

Now the big three automakers want in on the giveaway and why not, its only taxpayer money! But most taxpayers don't make $28, $38, or $70 an hour, whichever number is being quoted more at the moment in the press. Even the low amount of $28 an hour is close to three times what the average worker gets an hour. These big executives fly to Washington in private jets, have limos waiting on them to go beg for money, and don't even bat an eye while doing so. Most people still have all they can do to keep gas in their car, even though it has dropped tremendously. While it has dipped, everything else has gone up. This column won't make a difference anywhere or in anything, but at least I was able to throw in two cents more than my share of the future bailouts.

Not just another Black Friday rant

So there I was, sitting in my living room, drinking my last bloody mary of the day, checking my Facebook page and watching a House rerun on USA. Rob Tinsley, a longtime friend of mine had updated his status to reflect his preparation to head out into the Black Friday shopping maelstrom, and having watched The Smoking Gun presents World's Dumbest Shoppers earlier in the evening, I sent a tongue-in-cheek reply to not wind up as a highlight on volume two. Then, after I woke up to begin my Friday, news had broken on the death of a Wal Mart worker in Long Island, New York after being trampled by idiot shoppers trying to get a bargain on a flat screen, a laptop, or whatever was apparently worth recreating the scene of third world residents trying to get to a relief package freshly airlifted by some humanitarian group.

The as-yet unidentified man, 34 years old, was working for Wal Mart through a temp service when the store opened this morning in a manner only less organized than a full-fledged riot, as a statement from Nassau County police said a group of slack-jawed morons "physically broke down the doors, knocking him to the ground." Jimmy Overby, a fellow Wal Mart employee, said the temp worker was "bum-rushed by 200 people...they took the doors off the hinges. He was trampled and killed in front of me. They took me down too ... I literally had to fight people off my back." The temp worker was pronounced dead at around 6 a.m. Eastern time this morning, an hour after the store opened.

While the police added that three other shoppers had received minor injuries and were transported to a local hospital for observation, reports were also surfacing that a 28 yr-old pregnant woman was knocked to the ground and had suffered a miscarriage. True to form, I suppose, shoppers continued to flood the store, going right around EMS workers attending to the woman and the temp worker. Remember the infamous story about the woman snapping a cell phone pic of the pregnant stabbing victim in a convenience store from a year or so ago? How is this any different? Although I guess we can say, as a small victory, we haven't as yet heard of any asshats emailing pics from this sickening display.

Shopper Kimberly Cribbs was quoted by news sources as saying "They're savages. It's sad. It's terrible." I would not go so far as to drag down the good name of savages by comparing them to this gaggle of low foreheads. Savages earn that name for a reason, but rational people, the same people who make transactions in stores everyday, do not trample people to save a couple of bucks on a fucking DVD player.

Wal-Mart Stores Inc., in Bentonville, Ark., would not confirm the reports of a stampede during the day-after-Thanksgiving bargain hunting, but said a "medical emergency" caused them to close the store. Yeah, fucking right. At what point, when the cash register tape told them the day was a boom profit, or when the crime scene tape became an issue of aesthetics?

Not that this tragedy is the first indication that something needs to be done about Black Friday sales, but rather one of the more compelling. How hard can it be to operate businesses with a modicum of civil order 364 days a year, but allowing blind eyes all around the fucking day after Thanksgiving? The answers may not be all that clear, but they are there, not the least of which would be holding these retailers accountable for the chaos they inevitably engineer, in the name of making up the slow parts of their sales year.

I'm not much of a gambler, but I would put good money on the barrelhead that not a single person entering or leaving that Wal Mart had an ounce of guilt, even upon hearing the news. That may be "terrible," or "sad," as Cribbs put it, but those people could not truly give a damn, as they have already made a dent in their holiday shopping, and good for them. Hope there isn't a crowd in hell when they get there. I'd hate to think of the inconvenience these soulless idiots will encounter.

The Thanksgiving Breakdown

Wow, and here I was, thinking that the Detroit Lions was going to be the biggest disaster on turkey day...professional loudmouth Rosie O'Donnell's alledged variety show on NBC, Rosie Live, drew a simply pathetic 1.2 rating the night before, meaning more people were watching an informercial on male enhancement products than her latest attempt to hang on to the mainstream. Think that might be a little harsh? Nope. The show matched the ratings for Pushing Daisies, which ABC just cancelled. An equal to damn near greater number of people were watching a show they knew wouldn't be back, rather than witness you mooing your way through whatever it was your clusterfuck was trying to pull off.

Problem #1: O'Donnell singing a duet with Liza Minnelli. You know what's worse than Liza Minnelli singing? Rosie fucking O'Donnell trying to sing. Who can listen to her using her normal speaking voice, let alone cranking up the volume to sing? I'd rather listen to a busy day at the bolt gun shoot in a fucking slaughterhouse. I'd rather listen to three cats having an orgy in a potato sack being whacked with a bat jammed full of nails. I'd rather...well, you see where I'm going with this.

Problem #2: A skit with Alec Baldwin pasting Conan O'Brien with a pie. I dig Conan O'Brien, but come on, man...a pie in the face skit? Vaudeville is dead, so dead, still dead, and it ain't never coming back. The writers strike must have done more damage than we all thought.

Problem #3: A striptease by Jane Krakowski shilling White Caster sliders and Crest Whitestrips. Something tells me the mix of Krakowski stripping and sliders put together was more for O'Donnell's benefit than anything else. And that is one greasy bad mental image, no matter how cheap sliders are.

The final nail in Rosie's piano crate had to be the email from an exec at another network, opining that "There's a notion that the climate is right for the genre to make a comeback. I guess we now know what not to do, thanks to Rosie."

Indeed. Well put, sir or ma'am, as the case may be. Now can we get her dumb ass to do a reality show, in the hopes she can kill that genre too?

In just 60 minutes on an all-new Probably Uncalled For...

Episode #76: Come join Dr. Thomas Keister and ppdingles on an all new Probably Uncalled For tonight, as they'll be covering Joe Lieberman's new found appreciation for ass kissing, more GOP fuckery, a bailout update, the Hogan divorce, a new chapter in the history of the lap dance, gender confusion in the animal planet, and all the other TBA you need right before you put yourself to sleep with the turkey tomorrow afternoon...

The Daily Breakdown - 11.26.08

In what has to be a performance sure to be nominated for Best Ass-Kissing in a supporting role, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) had this to say about the job President-elect Barack Obama has done thus far: "Everything that President-elect Obama has done since election night has been just about perfect, both in terms of a tone and also in terms of the strength of the names that have either been announced or are being discussed to fill his administration."

Wow. For a guy who just a couple months ago was saying we'd all wind up dead, more or less, if we elected Obama, the 180 degree turn couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact Obama helped out when it came time for the Democrats to slap Lieberman's wrist and take away the chairmanship of a b-level subcommittee, could it? I can appreciate the fact Obama is trying to bridge both sides of the aisle, but it would probably be a little less awkward for all parties concerned if Lieberman was slightly less obvious fumbling for our next president's zipper. Connecticut Dems are set to meet December 17 to determine whether or not to censure Lieberman for the bang-up job he did campaigning for the other guy during the nearly two year presidential campaign, although I expect them to simply smack the wrist the Democratic Caucus missed the first time around. If they do, should we brace for Lieberman lobbying the Catholic church to consider President-elect Obama for sainthood? I wouldn't rule it out, as this point...

Meanwhile, some more believable acting was taking place at Osaka University in Japan, as a Wakamaru robot, designed by Mitsubishi Heavy Industry as a domestic robot/companion for the elderly, appeared in Hataraku Watashi (I, Worker for those not fluent in the Japanese), a short play, alongside human actors. This is being called a first in robot-human artistic collaboration. The 3 foot tall, 66 pound robot didn't have any trouble with its lines, so I can clearly see the benefits. I mean, realistically, this is the precursor to Futurama's Calculon, so that in its own is pretty damn cool.

However, at the same time, I can also see trouble on the horizon. Not only do I have the mental image of hi-tech tentacle porn springing up in Japan in the future, just wait until acting robots start expressing a desire to adopt half the children of some third world toilet country, or flashing their mechanical junk climbing out of a car at the MTV Movie Awards. Then again, the damn things would probably think up better names than Bronx Mowgli for their offspring...

To wrap it up today, we also have a nominee for Worst Religious Defense. Felicia Johnson, of Marietta, Georgia, somehow came under the impression that her roommate's belongings were possessed, so she did what any...ahem...rational person would do. She set the shit on fire. Placing the items in two piles, one in the fireplace and the other on the balcony, Johnson then set the matches, or the bic lighter, or the torch she also uses to chase monsters from the kingdom to the stuff, causing minimal damage to the apartment. No word was given as to whether or not the "evil spirits" took the hint and got the fuck out of Dodge. Not surprisingly, Johnson was arrested and charged with first degree arson, and even less surprising, was taken to a local hospital for a mental evaluation. Maybe someone should have told her to just spend a couple of bucks and have an exorcism done instead. Sure, it's a little noisier, but the best part is, it probably will not affect your security deposit. I can see it now...next on PBS, This Old Exorcism, as today, we'll be clearing the devil from a pair of possessed end tables and a bathroom throw rug with some evil intentions.

Worst keychain ever?

Holy damn! Some stories merely catch your eye...then there is this story...20 month old Nicholas Holderman, at home and playing with his two older brothers, wound up getting, of all things, his parents' car keys jammed into his freakin' brain! My first thought...what the fuck were they playing? I mean, lawn darts have long since wandered off into the sunset, even in Kentucky, where this went down.


Yep, that's one for the scrapbook
Alerted by the screams, his parents found him in that state, which I can only imagine aged them each ten to fifteen years in a matter of seconds. Dialing up the 911, the child was taken by helicopter to a hospital. Makes sense. I mean, how were the parents supposed to drive to the hospital? It's hard enough to keep a two-year-old still in a car anyway, let alone when he's dangling from the ignition. All kidding aside, the kid has since made a full recovery, so at least the story has a happy ending.

The Daily Breakdown - 11.24.08

Meanwhile, as the least surprising news of the year, that the Chinese Government has a problem with the new Guns N' Roses album, Chinese Democracy, was breaking...

Ever craved a ponytail sportin', zen philosophizin', martial arts master patrollin' a beat in New Orleans? Of course you have. Maybe you didn't know it, but you were. Naturally, there's only one guy to fit that description, and after spending much of the decade languishing in direct-to-dvd movies like the ones they marathon on Spike every couple of weeks or so, Steven Seagal is set to star in his first TV project, and predictably enough, it's a reality show.

A&E is set to debut Steven Seagal: Lawman sometime in later 2009. The latest in the never-ending stream of reality television projects will follow the Under Siege star as he presumably takes care of business as a deputy with the Jefferson Parish County Sheriff's Office. It has been reported that Seagal has put in time with the county sheriff's office off and on across two decades as a fully commissioned deputy, including assisting with recovery efforts following Hurricane Katrina. But hey, as it's also a reality show, it can't all be Seagal handcuffing domestic violence suspects and taking on an entire bar full of stereotypical thugs, the show will also cover his musical and philanthropic pursuits while in the area.

A singing, ass-whooping lawman? Shit, this would have made a great western, if not for the whole ponytail thing and all...

Meanwhile, one again, we find proof that there isn't usually any dignity in death. Benjamin Collen, a 19-year-old Illinois Institute of Technology sophomore, was found dead in his fraternity house Saturday of asphyxia from inhaling nitrous oxide from a whipped cream container. Yeah. You read that right. Someone died from freaking whippets. Collen, a sophomore biomedical engineering major from Lincolnwood, was discovered Saturday night in a storage room in the Alpha Sigma Phi fraternity house on campus, after being missing for eight days, with nitrous oxide cylinders found near his body.

Nitrous oxide, often called "laughing gas," is used as an anesthetic and as a foaming agent for whipped cream canisters. The IIT chapter of Alpha Sigma Phi was in good standing and no disciplinary action will be taken against the fraternity due to the accidental nature of Collen's death. I guess that storage room was not used for liquor, as there is no damn way it would have stayed unchecked for eight days.

Now, if someone would just do a few whippets, listen to Chinese Democracy, and pick a fight with Steven Seagal somewhere, I'd have a really awesome way to end this column today...

This Week in Professional Wrestling History. November 24th - November 30th

11/24/1983 - Event - Starrcade '83, Greensboro Coliseum, Greensboro, NC
11/24/1983 - Ric Flair defeated Harley Race for the NWA Heavyweight Wrestling title
11/24/1983 - Rick Steamboat & Jay Youngblood defeated Jack & Jerry Brisco for the NWA World Tag Team title
11/24/1988 - Event - Survivor Series, Richfield Coliseum, Richfield, OH
11/24/1990 - Jeff Jarrett & Cody Michaels defeated Doug Gilbert & Tony Anthony for the USWA Tag Team title
11/24/1993 - Event - Survivor Series, Boston Garden, Boston MA
11/24/1993 - The Heavenly Bodies defeated the Rock n' Roll Express for the Smokey Mountain Tag Team title
11/24/1996 - Event - World War III, The Scope, Norfolk, VA
11/24/1997 - The New Age Outlaws defeated Legion of Doom for the WWF Tag Team title
11/24/1998 - Nick Dinsmore & Rob Conway defeated Vito & Guido for the Ohio Valley Southern Heavyweight Tag Title
11/25/1982 - Stagger Lee defeated Ted DiBiase for the Mid-South North American Heavyweight title
11/25/1985 - Fabulous Moolah (as the Spider Woman) defeated Wendi Richter for the WWF Women's title
11/25/1986 - Kareem Muhammad defeated Barry Windham for the Florida State Heavyweight title
11/25/1991 - Kamala defeated Jerry Lawler for the USWA Unified Heavyweight title
11/25/1991 - Robert Fuller & the Young Gun defeated Doug Masters & Bart Sawyer for the USWA Tag Team title
11/25/1992 - Event - Survivor Series, Richfield Coliseum, Richfield, OH
11/25/1995 - Tommy Rich defeated Brad Armstrong for the Smokey Mountain Heavyweight title
11/26/1942 - Ed Strangler Lewis defeated Orville Brown for the MWA World Heavyweight title
11/26/1960 - Al Costello & Roy Heffernan defeated Johnny Valentine & Chief Big Heart for the WWWF Tag Team title
11/26/1976 - Jack Brisco defeated Bob Backlund for the Missouri State Heavyweight title
11/26/1987 - Event - Survivor Series, Richfield Coliseum, Richfield, OH
11/26/1987 - Event - Starrcade '87, UIC Pavilion, Chicago, IL
11/26/1987 - Ric Flair defeated Ronny Garvin for the NWA Heavyweight Wrestling title
11/26/1987 - Dusty Rhodes defeated Lex Luger for the NWA U.S. Heavyweight title
11/26/1992 - The Heavenly Bodies defeated the Rock n' Roll Express for the Smokey Mountain Tag Team title
11/26/1994 - Diesel defeated Bob Backlund for the WWF Heavyweight title
11/26/1995 - Event - World War III, The Scope, Norfolk, VA
11/26/1995 - Randy Savage won the WCW Heavyweight title in a 60 man battle royal
11/26/1995 - Smokey Mountain Wrestling ceased operation
11/26/1999 - Damien Steele eliminated Kronus in a battle royal to to become the first XPW Heavyweight Champion
11/26/2000 - Event - Mayhem, U.S. Cellular Arena, Milwaukee, WI
11/26/2000 - Scott Steiner defeated Booker T for the WCW Heavyweight title
11/26/2000 - Kevin Nash & Diamond Dallas Page defeated Chuck Palumbo & Sean Stasiak for the WCW Tag Team title
11/26/2000 - Gen. Rection defeated Lance Storm for the WCW US Heavyweight title
11/26/2003 - Johnny & Jason Riggs defeated Chad Collyer & Drew Johnson in a tournament final to win the vacant Heartland Wrestling Association Tag Team Titles
11/27/1942 - Bobby Managoff defeated Yvon Robert for the NWA Heavyweight Wrestling title
11/27/1970 - El Solitario defeated Rey Mendoza for the EMLL NWA Light Heavyweight title
11/27/1980 - Paul Jones & Masked Superstar defeated Ray Stevens & Jimmy Snuka for the NWA World Tag Team title
11/27/1986 - Tully Blanchard defeated Dusty Rhodes for the NWA Television title
11/27/1991 - Event - Survivor Series, Joe Louis Arena, Detroit, MI
11/27/1991 - The Undertaker defeated Hulk Hogan for the WWF Heavyweight title
11/27/1992 - The Rock n' Roll Express defeated the Heavenly Bodies for the Smokey Mountain Tag Team title
11/27/1993 - PG-13 defeated Jeff Jarrett & Brian Christopher for the USWA Tag Team title
11/27/1994 - Bull Nakano defeated Alundra Blaze for the WWF Women's title
11/27/1997 - Terry Golden defeated Colorado Kid for the Music City North American Heavyweight title
11/27/1997 - Thrillbilly & Shane Eden defeated the Centerfolds for the Music City Southern Tag Team title
11/28/1963 - The Crusher defeated Verne Gagne for the AWA Heavyweight title
11/28/1985 - Event - Starrcade '85, Greensboro Coliseum, Greensboro, NC & The Omni, Atlanta, GA
11/28/1985 - Magnum T.A. defeated Tully Blanchard for the NWA U.S. Heavyweight title
11/28/1985 - Rick Morton & Robert Gibson defeated Ivan & Nikita Koloff for the NWA World Tag Team title
11/28/1985 - Buddy Landel defeated Terry Taylor for the Georgia National Heavyweight title
11/28/1986 - Event - Starrcade '86, Greensboro Coliseum, Greensboro, NC & The Omni, Atlanta, GA
11/28/1992 - The Heavenly Bodies defeated the Rock n' Roll Express for the Smokey Mountain Tag Team title
11/28/2001 - Leviathan defeated Doug Basham for the Ohio Valley Heavyweight title
11/29/1984 - Event - Starrcade '84, Greensboro Coliseum, Greensboro, NC
11/29/1992 - The Rock n' Roll Express defeated the Heavenly bodies for the Smokey Mountain Tag Team title
11/29/1993 - Mike Anthony & Jeff Gaylord defeated PG-13 for the USWA Tag Team title
11/29/2003 - Mike Kruel defeated Crowbar for the vacant USA Pro-Wrestling U.S. Heavyweight Title
11/29/2003 - Los Lunatics defeated Trailer Park Trash, Elm Street Kids, & Rob Fury, Envy, & Jimmy Hustler for the USA Pro-Wrestling 6 Man Triad Title
11/30/1957 - Al Kashey awarded the EMLL NWA Light Heavyweight title
11/30/1991 - The Moondogs defeated Robert Fuller & the Young Gun for the USWA Tag Team title
11/30/1997 - Event - November to Remember, Golden Dome, Monaca, PA
11/30/1997 - Shane Douglas defeated Bam Bam Bigelow for the ECW Heavyweight title
11/30/1998 - Bret Hart defeated Diamond Dallas Page for the WCW US Heavyweight title
11/30/1998 - Konnan defeated Chris Jericho for the WCW Television title
11/30/1998 - Big Bossman defeated Mankind for the WWF Hardcore title

Wrestling Milestones. November 24th - November 30th

11/24/1969 - Born - Jimmy Sharpe
11/24/2003 - Died - Richard "Dick" Hutton of natural causes at 80
11/25/1976 - Born - Torch
11/25/1992 - Died - WTBS announcer Freddy Miller of a heart attack at 65
11/26/1961 - Born - Ivory
11/26/1966 - Born - Brian Lee
11/26/1976 - Born - Maven, the first Tough Enough winner
11/27/1962 - Born - Davy Boy Smith aka the British Bulldog
11/27/1999 - Died - Hiro Matsuda of cancer at 62
11/28/1978 - Born - Rob Conway
11/29/1949 - Born - Jerry the King Lawler
11/29/1967 - Born - Bradshaw
11/29/2002 - Died - Jeff Peterson of cancer at 22
11/29/2003 - Died - Larry Lathman AKA Moondog Spot of a heart attack in the ring
11/30/1958 - Born - Tom Zenk
11/30/1971 - Born - Dr. Feelgood
11/30/1972 - Born - Rod Ramer
11/30/1973 - Born - Christian Cage AKA Christian
11/30/1998 - Died - Giant Haystacks of stomach cancer at 55
11/30/2002 - Died - "Mr. Wrestling" Tim Woods of a heart attack

The Daily Breakdown - 11.23.08

What would a Sunday edition of the Breakdown be without some comment on the absolutely pisspoor job by my at-one-time beloved St. Louis Rams? Dropping a home game to the Chicago Bears 27-3, using all three quarterbacks to do it, and given the way this season has gone, it is hardly surprising. Zero rushing yards for the Rams until early in the 4th Quarter. Yeah...0 rushing yards, although they did manage to muster up 14 by the end of the game. 4th and 2, and Jim Hazlett can't figure out to go for it or try for a field goal? Good lord, man, no wonder you were on the coach's staff rather than running the team this year.

When I managed to tune into the game, Marc Bulger was riding the bench, and that is where he needs to stay for the remainder of the season, and yes, I know how much money the organization tossed down the crapper on him in his new contract. Ditto that for Steven Jackson, who has rewarded the club with more time on the sidelines in street clothes than on the field since holding out for more money. O-line has been absolutely pathetic this season. Not that backup QB Trent Green fared much better, other than going above and beyond to improve the Bears' sack and interception totals for the year before yielding to third-stringer Brock Berlin. Freakin' yarg...I would say wait until next year, but it may be more realistic to add two, at least three years to that...the way they are playing this year, I could hold the Rams to 9 points (all field goals) and gain three picks, and that is by my damn self. Wouldn't even need the rest of the team. Just me, baby.

Speaking of blind optimism, the Illinois State Police announced new measures covering the operation of cruisers by troopers in the wake of two big lawsuits filed in response to a high-speed crash last year that killed two teenage sisters and injured a couple in the resulting pileup. Former trooper Matt Mitchell, who was going 126 mph when the wreck occurred, has pled not guilty to two counts of reckless homicide in St. Clair County court, and will go to trial early next year. The changes include implementation of a four tier system, as announced by state police director Larry Trent, who added "The long-standing culture of response at all costs is no longer acceptable within the Illinois State Police." We'll see.

Among the changes: at the first tier, trooper are limited to following traffic laws, at the second and third levels, troopers can speed, but must get supervisor approval before going more than 20 mph over the speed limit, and only supervisors may call a "code red," which clears troopers to put the pedal to the floor. In addition, all code red calls will be reviewed by a committee. Additionally, troopers are now required to go hands-free with their cell phones, and are no longer allowed to shut off the dash cameras during emergency call responses. According to the state police, Illinois is now only the second state in the U.S. to restrict trooper speeds. Aren't cops supposed to obey traffic laws in the first fucking place? Secondly, why the hell would a cop shut off the dash cam during an emergency call? I mean, how are these reality "clip" shows to survive? I have a hard time seeing this really make a difference. Cops love to speed. Provable fact. They have, with few exceptions, the fastest cars on the road, taxpayer-funded gas, and most importantly, the law on their side. I still remember one day, coming across the Minton bridge from Indiana into Louisville, and not paying attention to my speed. The speed limit, a mere suggestion on that bridge, is 35 mph, and yet, despite the fact I was going 60, a Louisville Metro cruiser rolled past me like I was holding his ass up for a hot deal on day-olds at Kroger's or something. It's going to take a lot more tragic instances and multi-million dollar lawsuits for police officers by large to start driving like they have much sense to go with the guns and flashing lights that make them think they can get away with it.

Guess who else figured out D.A.R.E. doesn't really work all that well? In Newcastle, Australia, an anti-drug and alcohol program sponsored by the New South Wales government featured a helpful little brochure offering tips on speed, including:

"If you don't already have a reliable dealer, try to find one and stick with them."

"When you're using a new batch, only try a little at first ... you can always use the rest later if you need to."

In addition, users are urged to take breaks from using speed, allow time to "come down" so it doesn't interfere with work or study and to carry the phone number of a legal aid solicitor with them. The 35-page booklet, produced by the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre, was part of the drug literature displayed to up to 100 students and parents. Wonder if it had pictures of Amy Winehouse, as well.

Criticism was swift, as a yeshole for Attorney General John Hatzistergos said the Government did not condone the use of illegal drugs, and the AG's office was investigating the matter. Darren Marton, a guest speaker at the event, said the material should never have been seen by teenagers. "One lady who was helping out on the day was physically shaken and had to go outside in tears after reading the brochure." Oh, come the fuck on with that. If this lady was physically shaken and in tears after reading the brochure, I'm willing to bet she isn't stable enough to be allowed in public by herself. Life isn't a black-and-white TV show from the 1950s, and she should bloody well know that. Then again, from the sound of things, she probably gets light-headed at PG-13 movies. The added bonus came from Opposition education spokesman Andrew Stoner, who said a drugs guide was the last thing parents and their children needed. No, sir. Perhaps the last thing needed is someone named Stoner speaking out against drugs. The parody just writes itself at that point.

If you can't beat them, join them? What a crock...

Some idiot has suggested that as a show of unity, we combine the red of the Republican party with the blue of the Democratic party to make, as we all know, purple.

What were they thinking?! Since biblical times, since the time of the Romans, the color purple has been the color of royalty. The last time I checked, contrary to what some of our leaders (won't name any names) want to believe, we have no royalty in America, so can we go ahead and just keep it that way!?

The Daily Breakdown - 11.22.08

Interesting read, checking out Kerry Picket's post on NewsBusters.org on President-elect Obama's attorney general pick, Eric Holder. Holder, a former deputy AG during the Clinton administration, made the following remark after learning the Columbine High School shooters had learned bomb-making skills online: "The court has really struck down every government effort to try to regulate it. We tried with regard to pornography. It is gonna be a difficult thing, but it seems to me that if we can come up with reasonable restrictions, reasonable regulations in how people interact on the Internet, that is something that the Supreme Court and the courts ought to favorably look at."

Intriguing and a little unsettling. For a President-elect who used the Internet more effectively than any other political candidate since its integration into the mainstream, and more to the point supports net neutrality, this seems a little contradictory. Additionally, Holder has advocated for a federal hate crimes law, nothing wrong at all with that, but throw in an unfortunate "Sarah Palin" like moment, when asked in 1998 to name specific cases where states had not prosecuted hate crimes while testifying before Congress, he couldn't do it. Couldn't name one. Later, Holder did send written answers to Sen. Arlen Specter, listing three such cases, but the only problem was the defendants had all been acquitted in federal prosecutions.

I have sat back, waiting to see what the Obama administration accomplishes first before making any real comments about the fact it is shaping up to be a new administration with the entire Clinton White House staff on board, but I can't say I'm now overly impressed with this pick for Attorney General. I think the public is due an answer as to whether or not Eric Holder is going to tackle more pressing matters of law, or simply pick up an illogical crusade against the Internet. Time will tell, I guess...

You just have to love a country where a person can pretty much file a lawsuit for any damn reason, no matter how absolutely fucking asinine the reason. The case, set to be heard in a Collier County, Florida court, centers around a woman who was unsatisfied with the remedies to her, ahem, "problems" provided by Doris Palm & Card Reading. Eumanthe Dufrene, of Naples, Florida, said she was promised a money-back guarantee if she wasn't happy, but thus far has not received satisfaction, psychic or otherwise. The $13,200 paid out was to battle the forces of "evil," as well as "grave calamities," which were around Dufrene's family members. Yeah, while it would be more than fair to call me a skeptic, going beyond that, who the hell believes they are going to get a money-back guarantee from a freakin' palm reader. What lawyer, outside of those who practice from strip malls, takes cases like this? Theft? I don't think so, lady. You paid for these services. Deceptive trade practices? Maybe if you got something in writing on the money-back guarantee. Fraud? Lady, you went to a fucking psychic. Makes me wonder if the palm reader can countersue for legal costs in defending herself from someone that utterly fucking stupid to begin with. While I'm no master of predictions, or any of that other crystal ball bullshit, allow me to predict one of two things: either this is going to get tossed out for the waste of the court's time and taxpayer's money that it is, or Dufrene's lawsuit will ultimately be the fail it is at face value. And no, ladies and gentlemen, I do NOT offer a money-back guarantee on my prognostications of future-type events, so leave the shysters alone...

Taking out ad space on tests and exams? I can dig it. California teacher Tom Farber came up with the idea after seeing the usual ads on public buses and at Qualcomm Stadium in San Diego, and figured this would be an ideal way to bolster his budget for printing materials for his class, which had been recently cut by the Poway Unified School District. That has turned out to be the typical response from coast to coast, rather than cutting staff, the school districts have been putting the axe to materials and supplies. Sounds more like no faculty member left behind. The ads, which run $10 for a quiz, $20 for a chapter test, and $30 for a semester final, have allowed Farber to more than pay for the gap in his printing costs the budget cut left him, with the remainder going to the math department at his school, to help out the other teachers. The ads, which are usually local businesses or personal quotes, only appear on the front page of the quizzes and tests, and must be appropriate, so don't go thinking you can promote your hot amateur porn site through Farber's calculus tests. The damnedest thing of all about this idea? The students are actually checking out and paying attention to the ads. If you can get behind this idea, and you want to contact Farber regarding ad space, hit him up with an email at tfarber@powayusd.com

But on the other side of the country, there is the usual controversy brewing, this time over a cafeteria/playground aide at D'Ippolito Elementary. Louisa Tuck, the aide under fire, was once known as Crystal Gunns, an adult film star. In typical overreaction style, parents demanded the school district take some kind of measure against Tuck, and when the district looked into their options, their lawyers advised against doing anything, as Tuck had not done anything illegal. While some parents do not see this as a big issue, the school superintendent and the district are taking a closer look to see what their options are. What a load of shit. With all the yelling and screaming that was done over the last few months about our President-elect's past associations, such as they were, with William Ayers, the fact of the matter remains that Ayers is a teacher, and apparently a very good one at that. So how then, is a retired porn star that big a deal? For all their worries over a former adult movie actress, maybe the offended parents and district muckety mucks need to remove their heads from their asses. Bottom line, she has done nothing wrong, and to try and remove her from her job based on previous careers, sends the wrong message all the way around.

The Daily Breakdown - 11.21.08

KISS co-founder and bassist Gene Simmons is a little pissed that once again, the band is not on the short list for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and honest to God, who can blame him? The band's been around since 1974, sold well over 100 million albums, and have influenced an untold number of bands. For crap's sake, even country artists have done covers of KISS hits from years' past. Yet, even Blondie is in the Hall of Fame and "The Hottest Band in the Land" isn't. I know there's a bit of stuff already heaped on President-elect Barack Obama's plate, but at the rate this is going, can we ask for an executive order, since apparently the hall of fame's foundation and it chair, Rolling Stone publisher Jann Wenner will consider any musical act on earth before they will consider KISS, and what a travesty. The inductees will be announced in January, with the induction ceremony in Cleveland on April 4. Simmons, while speaking at the recent Billboard Touring Conference, had this to say about the higher-ups in the hall of fame foundation, saying "A lot of those guys on the board can go and get my sandwich when I want, and I mean that in the nicest way." Not that I presume to be qualified to dish advice to Gene Simmons, but seeing how these guys apparently view your band, do you really want them handling your food?...

Since the subject of touring came up, here comes Chad Kroeger of Nickelback, whom you know as the band doing their level-headed best to reinvent the concept of "cookie-cutter" acts. Don't look at me that way. I like some of their songs, but overall, if you have one single by Nickelback on your mp3, you pretty much have the entire band's catalogue. Kroeger bemoaned the "lack of decent rock bands" in a recent interview, adding "Set down the 'Guitar Hero' learn how to play an actual guitar and start a band, because it's hard to find more bands to put a solid rock-and-roll package together." Um...yeah...sounds like someone's pissed cause more people aren't playing their songs on the game. Look, Chad, I can't help it I would much rather prefer to jam on Anarchy in the UK when I play Guitar Hero, but that's no reason to start shilling for a credit card company. Besides, lighten up...the way the music industry has apparently went, you'll be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before KISS, and again I say, what a travesty. Now shut up and go change the name of all your songs for a new album...

Meanwhile, in Switzerland, controversy is flaring, albeit in small doses, over new requirements for those being drafted by the Swiss army. Drinkers, pot smokers, and those used to rollin' on some phat X while waving glow sticks around like some real stupid motherfucker? Yeah, you're good, although no mention was made as to whether or not new conscripts had to bring enough for everybody. Who isn't the Swiss army looking for? Skinny motherfuckers and vegans. Yep, you read that right. Under the new rules, those who eat no animal products or weigh less than 8 stone (however much the fuck that is) are apparently not fit for service. Swiss politician Josef Lang weighted in by cracking that "half the male population will now become vegans.” Hey, why not? Hell of a lot easier than hightailing it to Canada. Also, what the fuck does the Swiss army even do, guard the pocket knifes, chocolates, and clocks? No, seriously...what do they do?...

And of course, what good would I be if I didn't chime in on the unfortunate Sarah Palin-Slaughterhouse interview debacle from the other day? As everyone on the fucking planet is aware of by now, utterly clueless Alaska Governor Sarah Palin took time from her busy schedule of planning Bristol's shotgun wedding and reading every publication printed in the known universe to "pardon" a turkey in her hometown of Wasilla. Funny, for someone who probably still doesn't know what the hell the Vice-President's job description is, she has the whole "pardon the turkey for Thanksgiving" thing down, just like she's practicing to be President herself one day, right? Wrong. After pardoning the gobbler, she proceeded to give an interview, because if there is anything Palin loves more than animals (she even called herself a "friend of all creatures," but did not elaborate if that included those you could shoot from a helicopter), it is the sound of her own voice. Ask her, and she'll even be the first to tell you, if she understands the question, that is. Damn media and such.

Only problem? The only people in Alaska that may be even less competent than Sarah Palin would appear to be her handlers. As Palin was gumbumping for the cameras, the scene right behind her was even more grisly, and that is a feat in its own. After pardoning the turkey, she went right on grinning as the also-rans were fed to the machine, bwah ha ha! Palin has since reverted to her second favorite activity, feigning ignorance, saying that she had no idea that was going on behind her, even though the much played video shows her at one point looking over at the guy taking care of future dinners across the state. Of course, that leaves the debate wide open as to whether or not she's feigning the ignorance, but I'll have to leave that for later.

While I'm not exactly counting anybody out of contention in 2012, I will say Sarah Palin is already on my short list for NOT having a shot at the White House in '12, but to be fair, she is also on my short list as having a really good shot at winning the Presidency in the crucial election the day after hell freezes right the fuck over.

The Daily Breakdown - 11.20.08

Wow. That's really all I can say at the moment. It has been a whirlwind two weeks and change since election day, and the history just keeps on coming. First African-American president elected, women running for both president and vice-president this time around, an expected first African-American attorney general, and now, on top of it all, the good people of Silverton, Oregon saw fit to elect Stu Rasmussen back into the mayor's office. Rasmussen, who served two terms as mayor after winning elections in 1988 and 1990, and had served the last four years on the city council, gained 52% of the vote to defeat incumbent mayor Ken Hector (39%), and in the process, became the first openly transgender mayor in the United States. Just waiting for the headline where Rasmussen becomes the first mayor in U.S. history to resign from office for sexually harassing himself...

Federal agents and local police raided three "tanning salons" and arrested at least five people in the Seattle area Tuesday as part of a two-year investigation into what they say were fronts for prostitution. The King County Sheriff's Department, Seattle Police, the Internal Revenue Service, and Immigration and Customs Enforcement coordinated raids on five homes and businesses, arresting the owners, who had been indicted on charges of conspiring to transport women for prostitution and conspiring to launder the proceeds of the alleged brothels. Uh, yeah...whoopty damn. Why did it take four agencies two fucking years to figure out whether or not these businesses were selling pussy along with unlimited tanning packages? Makes me wonder how many of the law enforcement personnel who labored on this, ahem, bust look like George Hamilton now? Guess there is a happy ending for sunburn after all. Just don't ask where the lotion was applied...

I'm loving this...McDonald's, in addition to actually applying for patents in the U.S. and UK, claiming that their sandwiches, and the production method thereof, is "intellectual property," is also crusading to create the image their food-type products are healthy. Notable hilarity in this effort includes a slaughterhouse visit, to not only show the humane way the chickens are treated before the ax comes down, but to prove the McChicken nuggets actually contain chicken! Even funnier, and slightly more awkward than that, McDonald's is trying to rehab the image of their fries as healthy. Yeah, the fries. The fries that contain 380 calories, 270 mg of sodium, and a color preservative. Oh my McFucking God...

As first mentioned by Wonkette.com, Wall Street Journal deputy editorial page editor and long past brain damaged jackhole Daniel Henninger had his two cents' worth as to the cause of the financial crisis our country is in: "This year we celebrate the desacralized “holidays” amid what is for many unprecedented economic ruin — fortunes halved, jobs lost, homes foreclosed. People wonder, What happened? One man’s theory: A nation whose people can’t say “Merry Christmas” is a nation capable of ruining its own economy." It's official. The Wall Street Journal needs to change their name, because if the best one of the low foreheads in charge of the opinion page can do is blame the so-called "war on Christmas" on the financial crisis, then the WSJ no longer has any business whatsoever covering Wall Street, or much of anything involving real reporter-type shit anymore. Ever. Period. Also, since it costs more to make a penny than it's actually worth, we have a more realistic take on what Dan Henninger's idiotic fucking ramblings are worth. Merry Christmas, you fucking moron. There, are you happy now, Henninger?

In just one hour on an all-new Probably Uncalled For...

Come join Dr. Thomas Keister and ppdingles on an all-new episode tonight, as they'll be discussing the automaker bailout, Ted Stevens getting voted out of the U.S Senate, Joe Lieberman and the so-called "punishment," a thin but rewarding "Stupid Britain" segment, Sarah Palin, great moments in lesbianism, technology, and all the other topics TBA. Come find out what the world is listening to!!!

The ultimate in wasted government

It was with equal parts great interest and trepidation that I read 'A system's fatal flaws,' a very well-written article by the Houston Chronicle's Susan Carroll, the first part of a three-part series on the massive and outrageous failure of the Immigration and Customs Enforcement to do much of anything, apparently, in regards to their job. I would normally have waited until I had read all three segments to comment, but just the first third of the picture Carroll paints is disturbing enough. With all the slap on the wrist moves and blown second, third, fourth (or more) chances, I would have though I was reading about professional athletes in the justice system rather than the utter failure of government at any and all levels to do something so simple as enforce the laws in this country.

The article covers the Harris County Jail, in Houston, where out of over 3,500 inmates who told staff booking them into the jail they were in the country illegally, around 75 percent had no action taken over their illegal status, including some who were ordered deported decades ago. They were turned loose, back onto the streets of Houston, back onto the streets of the United States. And we're talking about child molesters, rapists and drug dealers, among others. Naturally, some stuck around to build on their criminal resumes, including more sex crimes against children and capital murder. Great. That'll teach them a lesson. While they may be going great guns, no pun intended, on the turnover rate on Texas' death row, the clear lesson in Houston is you apparently have nothing to fear of deportation- you aren't going anywhere. Hell, you'll wind up in a prison yard burial plot before you wind up back in the country from whence you came.

Now, out of the 3,500 inmates in the Chronicle's review, 11 percent had three or more convictions, some for violent crimes and some with outstanding deportation orders. I have this great mental image of a hardened criminal arguing with the staff at Harris County Jail..."how many time do I have to tell you I'm here illegally?" Even sadder yet, it probably does happen in real life, and more times than I want to think about.

Now, keep in mind people, the findings in the Chronicle article was based on documents filed from June 2007 - February 2008, the earliest immigration records available. No damn wonder nothing is getting done, apparently the Immigration and Customs Enforcement office in Houston has only been aware of this whole "illegal alien" problem for about a year and a half. How could they be expected to half-ass their way to a solution when the other side has that big a head start?

There actually are, if you can believe this, results nationwide on deportation. Immigration and Customs Enforcement removed 107,000 convicted criminals from the U.S. in the 2008 fiscal year, which ended in September, but sent home more than twice as many illegal immigrants without criminal records, which prompted criticism from some members of Congress. In Houston, the Immigration and Customs Enforcement office set a record by removing 8,226 illegal immigrants with criminal records from Southeast Texas last year, an increase of about 7.5 percent from fiscal 2007. Notice how it doesn't say the Houston office removed them from the country, but rather from Southeast Texas. Are they actually being deported, or rather dropped off in another part of the state or the country, so it's another office's problem? With only 107,000 convicted criminals being deported, and the glaring inability of Immigration and Customs Enforcement to do something about the remainder, even when they volunteer the information they are in the country, I think it's not only a fair question, but one that needs an answer, not excuses or buck-passing masquerading as an answer.

The buck-passing and excuses from Houston begin with Kenneth Landgrebe, ICE's field office director for detention and removal for that city. "No agency has enough law enforcement officers to do the job the way they'd like. If you look at law enforcement in general — at Houston or New York City or Los Angeles police — do they apprehend every criminal that commits a crime? No. Do they arrest every person that speeds in a traffic zone? No. "We have to prioritize what we handle."

Yes, Landgrebe actually said this. Let me break it down for Ken, I think his head may be hurting from the attempted thought patterns he's trying to unloose upon us. No law enforcement agency anywhere arrests every criminal who commits a crime, and it is ludicrous to use that as a template for the failure of your agency, and notably the office he is in charge of. And are we to believe he is equating illegally entering the country with a speeding ticket? I have had three speeding tickets written to me in the 16 years I have had my driver's license, and the damnedest thing is, I have never been arrested for speeding. Not once. I will agree with Landgrebe on the prioritization of what his office handles, which is the issue at hand. The police departments in Houston, Los Angeles, and New York City have a wide variety of crimes for which to police. Mr. Landgrebe's office has one responsibility, and that is detention and removal of illegal aliens as it pertains to Immigration, and utterly nonsensical answers in addition to the usual whining about lack of staffing fails, and miserably, to answer why nothing is being done when the problem is dropped right in your lap. I understand tracking down illegal aliens and deporting them may not be that easy, but when they flat tell you they are illegal, and your office still fails to perform its duty, how much sympathy are we supposed to be able to muster?

Just when you thought, however, the soundbiting and yesholing had passed, here come the underlings! Matthew Baker, an assistant field office director for ICE in Houston, said agents try to screen out as many violent criminals as possible to avoid preventable crimes. Again, I think that may be blind optimism in the clothing traditionally worn by cloudy facts. Baker added "No one can measure the cases where we picked up and removed someone and prevented that carjacking or that drunk driving accident that kills a family. There are hundreds of thousands of incidents that we prevent every year; those are not measured because they don't happen."

Must be turning into a continuing theme here. Yes, Baker actually said this. If I may be so bold, perhaps the reason no one can measure those cases you mentioned is that there are not enough to make it worth counting. Maybe it's because the earliest records available only go back to June 2007, thereby meaning you haven't been attempting to attempt doing your jobs long enough. With the numbers I have seen in the course of writing this column, I find it hard to believe that Immigration and Customs Enforcement has prevented hundreds of thousands of anything period, let alone on a yearly basis. For all this talk of hundreds of thousands of acts prevented, why is it so hard to handle 3,500 cases in just one city? Out of those very 3,500 illegal aliens mentioned in Houston, Immigration and Customs Enforcement only filed paperwork to detain about 900, just over 25%. If only doing a quarter of your job results in "hundreds of thousands" of cases prevented, can you crunch some numbers and tell me what half, or 75% would get us? Not only would it start to satisfy Americans sick of runaway largess from Homeland Security and other federal agencies supposedly charged with and assisting in securing our nation's borders, but it would, if you can believe this, actually address and make headway on the issue at hand.

To further compound the problem, the Chronicle's review found that 43 percent of those arrested and admitting they were in the country illegally had no prior criminal records in Harris County, and were charged with misdemeanors. Okay, no criminal record in Harris County, but what about the rest of the country? What about any criminal records from their country of origin? Not only that, but they were charged with misdemeanors? What about the glaring omission of a federal charge, you know, for illegally entering the country? Is that just on the books for show? Immigrant advocates are quick to plea that one should not stereotype illegal aliens based on high-profile cases, but what, in their opinion, is less high-profile than committing a federal offense? I'm all for advocating immigration, but how in the hell does coddling illegal aliens fit into the scope of their efforts? These so-called advocates push for immigration reform, and that's all well and good, but reform should start with those willing to go through the legal process, rather than just walking across the border, doing whatever they feel like, and then either being smacked on the wrist or possibly offered amnesty somewhere on down the line.

Rep. David Price (D-NC), the chair of the House Homeland Security appropriations committee had some decidedly blunt remarks on the issue, saying that "the present situation is unacceptable," and that "the highest priority for ICE should be deporting people who have proven their ability and their willingness to do us harm. Immigration is a very, very contentious issue, but this seems to be one thing almost everyone agrees is a priority." For all the concerned-sounding rhetoric, wouldn't it be nice if the chairman actually started demanding some accountability for all the taxpayer dollars doled out on a yearly basis?

I have made the statement on more than one occasion that the only right illegal aliens should be afforded is the right to a moderately comfortable bus ride back across the border, or to wherever it was they came from in the first place. Compare the cost, for example, of transporting illegal aliens back to Mexico from Houston against the cost of putting them up in the county jail for a couple of weeks, only to turn them loose in the end? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but last time I checked, isn't Texas bordered by Mexico? Seriously, how hard can this be? The abject failure at many levels in the operation of Immigration and Customs Enforcement has went beyond embarrassing, even for the administration we have been saddled with the last eight years. Rather than thump chests and cry for more money, or more staffing, it is high time people started collecting pink slips for not doing their jobs. I'm willing to bet there are people who would be tickled to have a cushy government job, and would endeavor to perform that job the way it should have been done all along, if the honest-to-God threat of being fired for not doing it was realistically on the table.

And this is a partisan issue, as government-as-usual has failed to act while billions of tax dollars have spiraled down the drain, and for something that should be easy enough to handle. This isn't like the wasteful failure of the war on drugs, or working to repair our tattered image internationally. This is supposedly securing our borders and making our country safer, something we have had crammed down our throats since the inception of Homeland Security, and it has neither been filling nor tasty. The solutions are clear, obvious, enactable, and a hell of a lot cheaper than piling on to the overcrowding problem that already plagues our nation. Use our National Guard the way it was intended, by their very creation, and deploy them to the southern border as a matter of national defense. Enforce the felony that is illegal entry into the country, and make a second offense punishable by permanently barring entry or citizenship. Make use of the E-Verify system mandatory across the board for any employer, regardless of size or whether or not they are working with federal contracts. Most importantly, end any and all public assistance to illegal aliens and their children, and that includes ending the birthright citizenship standard for children born to people illegally in the United States.

The best way to address concerns of an "entitlement society" is to kill the root and watch the plant wither. For a public-at-large that has grown tired of watching public assistance programs strain to the breaking point and beyond, the answer is clear. Quit treating a large criminal class better than the needy, yet lawful, citizens of your very nation. Not by throwing more money to be wasted on more jobs wasted by people with no ability or desire to do those very jobs, but by simply enforcing the laws as they stand.